make room

I probably sound like a broken record, but it always feels like a fresh, new revelation...the Lord is and gives us what we need.

The last few weeks have been so vibrant, so good, so lovely, that I have been rethinking our commitment to stepping away the next few weeks.

The work is so good.

God is so faithful and showing up so vibrantly.

The need is so strong.

The political climate in Haiti is finally a bit better.

Do we really need to take that pause that felt like such a life-giving idea only a few months ago?

Do we really need to step away, or can we just keep going and going and going...and going?

Can't we just soak in the tiny pockets of rest and pause throughout the week and let that be our sustaining? Like we always have?

And you know what? As I've been swaying through this--along with the heaviness of my hatred of missing out, along with the stress of traveling with four little ones, along with the stress of being away from home for four weeks, along with the work of lesson planning for a month, along with the financial stress of being away from home, setting everyone up for the four weeks away, etc., etc., etc.--I was almost ready to throw in the towel on the trip before it even began.

And then the Lord has been good to minister to my heart and to help me step outside of my perspective.

It may not all be about what I think we need to survive.  

It might be about ministry HE wants to do, to help us more than.


As I was summarizing the board's trip to Emmaus for a Facebook post yesterday while my class was taking a quiz, I quickly ticked through everything they were able to experience.

In the midst of a few busy days of meetings, they were also able to attend a vibrant church service, enjoy the beach, have dinner at the historic Roi Christophe Hotel in town, participate in weekly staff prayer meeting, attend chapel, receive reports from several faculty members, and participate in Academic Convocation 19-20!

As I wrote through the list, I thought, fantastic, Praise the Lord, those were great days, we made it!

And that is SO very true.

But do you know what else I didn't include?

Stressful airport runs on Friday, on Saturday, and again yesterday, Wednesday. Battling with porters and bags and tips and bribes and horrible traffic and horrific roads. Giving a tour of the campus upon returning with lots of good questions. Hours and hours and hours of cooking and cleaning and preparing and planning and printing. Matt driving everyone to church in the dark, sitting on stage, preaching a powerful service for over a 1000 people, translating for the board through the church breakfast, seamlessly conversing in both languages with our hosts and the board, then driving over the mountains to get to the beach when he was very ready for a nap, ordering lunch for 15 people, spending a few hours talking and visiting and business-ing, driving everyone home, setting up rides and translators for a board member who had some personal business needing done, taking everyone to see the SuperBowl, late night, hours of socializing and talking business. Translating chapel and speaking in chapel. Translating and leading staff/board prayer meeting. Presenting several times to the board himself. More cooking and hosting and socializing. Preparing for Academic Convocation, more driving through town during rush hour, preaching at convocation, driving through town to dinner, ordering again for 12 people and socializing and business-ing, driving home at 7:30 at night, more meetings, more social, more business. Dinners for 16, dishes for 16. Four little ones at home soaking every spare moment. Every moment with meetings, formal and informal, group and individual.

And the time was SO RICH.
And SO GOOD.
And SO BLESSED.
We would do it all again in a heartbeat, a true honor.

The Lord showed up again and again and gave what was needed, and then some...help and friends and sweet moments and good conversations.

The Holy Spirit showed up every time Matt preached, and through our staff and students and board members and praise the Lord!

But take all the unique difficulties of these meetings being in a fifth world country...requiring constant translation, stressful travel, from-scratch cooking and planning...and a man who IS AN INTROVERT, who loses energy through people, no matter how precious, who gains energy through peace and silence, when there rarely is any...

I realized typing the surface list for Facebook that there is a reason Matt fluctuates between 0% in his tank and 25%...but can never seem to get above that!

As I thought through all this, he got home at 1 from the airport and dropping everyone off to a long list of neglected tasks, and then came home from the office in time for dinner...Ayars and Nikki plus VP for Academics plus cherished visiting professor makes 9.  I cooked, from scratch, all afternoon, we enjoyed a lovely dinner and good conversation and no sooner did Matt finish the last of the pile of dishes and I finished the last of the pile of children in bed, that at the door was the outstanding president of the clinic board, our good friend, who is here from Canada for the clinic board meetings this weekend and spending one night at Emmaus to catch up with Matt and think through some clinic plans. And then our dear friends Bill and Julie and Bill's awesome brother, also to hang out and brainstorm

We spent the evening in wonderful conversation, genuinely 100% grateful for these men and women and their cherished relationships in our lives...and as it gets late, Matt is reminded that he is presenting to the clinic board tomorrow night, at 7 pm, on the OMS campus....that will be good, that is important, praise the Lord, ok. Anything to help with the mighty ministry of the clinic...after dinner Thursday he and Julie will go, done. Good-night.

As we fall into bed a few minutes later, all the papers needing graded still needed graded and preparing to be interrupted throughout the night several times by the hacking of three little ones with bad colds...the Lord met me.

It is all so good, so valuable, so blessed. And He has given us again and again and again for each moment just what we need.

But there is a reason Matt hit rock bottom in December, after months of battling even to get a gallon a fuel. 

This. is. all. a. LOT.,  ALL the time, never ending, never silent, never resting, never quiet.  

Life and four little kids and above-full-time ministry, with the unique struggles of Haiti and no dryer and no Chinese take-out and no dishwasher and no roads and full tables and full days and being 24/7 accessible and being surrounded by so many bottomless, continual needs...it is all a lot.

I'm allowed to say that. I'm allowed to REALIZE that, Stacey. 

That is not complaining. It is all a joy! But it is a LOT.

And if it's a lot for me...a high-energy, multi-tasking, go-go-go extrovert...it's FAR MORE SO for my husband...who is also turning the generator off at night.

I believe God allowed me the extra crazy of the past few days, and an HONEST perspective instead of just the also-very-valid-rosy-one, to acknowledge that we cannot pause here.  

There is no pause here.

There are many many beautiful things. And we will be right back to it.

But there is no pause.

HE DESERVES more than the ongoing 10-20% in our tanks. And HE DESIRES to fill us full, at times, with His love and grace and rest and strength and peace.  He does.

It is a beautifully poured out life we are so incredibly grateful for and humbled by....and God's showing me that just as there is a time for all of this, there is also a time He desires to beautifully pour IN.

Not just in the scrap moments, quick!...Not just in the midnight moments, fighting our brains and lists to rest, not just in the 20 minute dark moments before the house awakes at 6...but actually dwelling.

I may not know what exactly that's going to look like for four weeks. I have NOTHING, ever, to compare it to. But I do know that He has opened so many doors for this, and is still confirming it to me, now.

To the guilt I feel over resting and stepping away, Lord, I fight it with your help.

To the worry I feel over what people here or there might think, Lord, I give them to you.

To the concern I feel over the finances, over the missed tasks, over being unavailable,  Lord, I trust you with each and every thing and person, money and work and people that are, indeed, YOURS.

To the dislike I carry over missing out, on classes and visitors and relationships, Lord, I trust and choose what you are offering in this time, without the many good distractions.

To the fear I have over not having a detailed plan or knowledge of where we are staying or going or driving or what each day will look like, Lord, I release all my plans and trust you have ministry to do on our hearts and lives and family those days. 


Lord, you've definitely set this up. We're showing up.  Do in our lives and minds and hearts what you will!

We don't go for another week still...and it's a busy one of preparing. But I am choosing joy, I am choosing uncomfortable trust, I am choosing to make room.

He wants to minister to our hearts, friends.

It might not be rest you're badly needing, but forgiveness. It might be grace, or discipline. It might be faith, or His perspective. It might be trust, or taking every thought captive.

Whatever it is we are badly needing today...what do we need to do today to make room?  He will help us.