fumes of grace

Oh man...it's been quite the year, and as it all seems to be catching up with us, it really is no WONDER we are tired.  

Our last trip to the States I was 34 weeks pregnant, traveling all over the US with three kiddos and trying to get back home to Haiti before Ben did.  I remember flying home at 38 weeks just utterly wiped, hoping the flight staff wouldn't tell me I was too far along to fly, and wondering how I'd ever have what it takes to now deliver a baby in Haiti (when I didn't know where or that the baby would be 9+lbs!) and care for four kiddos!  I cried and cried when Sharon left a few weeks later, unsure I'd ever be able to do it without her love and care.

Precious Ben, kicking off a busy new school year...then the series of earthquakes that had our students (and Lily) up at night for a good long time. November, my little neice was born before my sister even got to her third trimester, and we almost lost them both, and a long season in the NICU began. Excruciating pain and emergency trip to Port-au-Prince to have my tooth pulled. Economic Emergency in February, closed schools, businesses, no fuel,  shut down country, increased tensions, most stressful time we've ever experienced in Haiti.  Persevere, be of good courage.  The fever everyone had, Ben for weeks and weeks. Finished the year well, first graduation with three master's cohorts.  Homeschool.  Haitian school. Hundreds of visitors to Emmaus, dozens and dozens in our home. Four kiddos. Lots of teaching.  Finance office. Preaching on weekends, teaching during the week, lots of travel and preaching for Matt. 

Why am I so TIRED Matt keeps asking, and I know.  

We are running on beautiful fumes of grace. 

 The fatigue has me getting up earlier, eating into my Bible, finding what I need for the day. The fatigue has Matt walking in the door from teaching Bible study and falling asleep immediately on the couch, which in our house, is not an easy or quiet place to fall asleep :)  

As we enjoy being with the lovely team of 12 that is here right now, as we try to catch up with Phil and Emily during their quick trip in to help with the team and the new building, as we spend good time with Rick and Carol, with the Edlers before they go, with lots of friends before we go, as we take Gertha and Micheline out for our annual year-end lunch, as we defrost the freezer and try to pack as little as we can and yet everything that six people need for six weeks, as the girls wrap up with their friends and the week at school, as we try to get through the piles on our desk to leave things for a few weeks nice and neat...

we're running on fumes of grace.

And I feel like the Lord gave me peace about that a few days ago. 

It's ok.  

We're tired, and that. is. ok. We're running on very little, and that's ok.  We need a bit of a break, and that's ok, too.

He's still beautiful and faithful and as long as we are, too, it's ok.

None of that is easy for me to accept, but I'm working on it. 

It's ok to step away for a few weeks and to sit at OTHER people's tables, to sleep in other people's beds, to rest in other people's homes...BLESS THEM.  Taking on the Ayars 6 is no small thing! Most of us are small, sticky and full of energy and constant conversation, our bags smell like mold, we spread out way more than we should, and we act like we haven't eaten in a really long time. But I'm looking forward to being the visitor in my first country, not the host in my second, for a few weeks. 

I'm looking forward to needing something and being able to just GO TO A STORE AND GET IT. I'm looking forward to loading a dishwasher! I'm looking forward to EATING OUT...picking up subs...ordering takeout. Ordering, NOT making from scratch, pizza! I'm looking forward to doing some of the things with my kids that I did as a kid...which is just such a rare opportunity! Go to the zoo! Go to the library! Go hiking, go canoeing, go out for ice cream! 

Lily's drawing yesterday, going from the land of the palm trees to the land of fall trees, right over a building or two :) 

I am SO looking forward to finally holding little Mayah (seeing pictures of people I don't even know snuggling her is killing me!) and finally squeezing my little nieces and catching up with our nephew and sitting with my sister, for heaven's sakes, instead of hoping she'll be around for FaceTime. I'm so looking forward to sitting around Aunt Lori's table, to watching the girls play in grandpa's yard, to meeting my sister's family at the park, to seeing my grandmother. Looking forward to a few relaxing days with Uncle Martin and Aunt Sharon, to walking the peaceful pond at Matt's parents. To seeing precious friends and be encouraged to SEE THEM. To loving on some hurting people I've been dying to be loving on.

I'm looking forward to buying, not making, Sofie a birthday cake and to sitting in a quiet, cool house and not sweating or needing to start meal prepping for tomorrow. I'm looking forward to breakfast being a box of cereal sometimes. I'm looking forward to NO grading. Matt is madly looking forward to ROADS.  

This is Route National 1...the main road in Haiti that Emmaus is on.  Tonight it took us 35 minutes to drive the 5 miles to  Vaudreil for weekly Bible Study.

We're looking forward to going somewhere, even for a few minutes, even for just a cup of coffee, even just for ANYTHING...and not having one person ask or need one thing from us.

Is that selfish? It might be. I don't know. Lord, know my heart. 

We will miss many things, many people. But we're ready for six weeks, even with all the speaking and traveling and preaching!  That's His grace, too.  

Praising the Lord.