the little pile

Today was one of those normal days that ended up being an important one. God uses so many things--a little thing someone says, a memory, a quiet moment, a loud one--to speak to us, to speak truth, to remind us.  

It was full of lots of friends, old and new, lots of cooking and some good girlie time. 

The first friend came by to pick up some milk...helping her figure out the whole cow-to-cup-to-yogurt process.  She brought a friend from the States with her, and the dear woman has been here a whole week, on the inside of life, and asked very directly: "This ministry here, it's is all painful and frustrating and not how it should be and so hitting the wall...how do you DO it? Please tell me a success story!"

God just helped me.  Because I don't have one success story big enough to answer that question, big enough to overcome all that heart-break and difficulty she's seen a glimpse of this week. There is no awesome sunshiney mantra in existence that brings you through utterly gut-wrenching disappointment or heart-wrenching agony or seemingly hopelessness for the future. And I know better than anybody that neither Matt nor I have 1% of what it takes to persevere on our own strength, power or ability.

There were times in the past 15 years that we mistakingly thought for a few seconds that we were heading to Haiti because it needed help, or that we were going to do ministry in Haiti to make a difference, or that we were moving our lives to Haiti because we could change something or help something or do something, because of Haitians or because of Americans or because of need.

But the reality that hard days and hot days and long days and discouraging days brings is that the ONLY thing we have had to do with any faithfulness or success is that we each have one life and decided a long time ago to pour it out at His feet. After that (and even that by His grace), it's Him and Him again.

Jesus understood well life and ministry not being as it should be, hard-heartedness, hard-headedness, betrayal, confusion, discouragement,  pain. His greatest success story is filled with injustice and torture and betrayal.

But God unquestionably sent Him, and Jesus' life and ministry was not about successes, but about being faithful to be where God wanted Him to be, teaching what God wanted Him to teach, doing what God wanted Him to do.

We're here 'cause He clearly led us here. We're still here because He's clearly not called us somewhere else. We're persevering not because of ANY strength or successes or encouragements, but because He has NEVER ever failed us. We persevere through broken, painful ministry with broken people because He has been faithful to broken us. Through His great love and wisdom He's allowed heartbreak He knew would happen, He's been faithful through ministry disappointment He knew was coming, He's never failed through the failure of every single person we've ever worked and ministered with and to, first and foremost ourselves.  Things I thought I could NEVER ever live without or live with have been taken or come, and He's all still true.

We persevere because He is faithful and nothing else, and it is truly that simple.  

By the time they headed out, Asheline and Lily and Gaba and Sofia and Alexandra and Nora and Christie were all playing restaurant in the mud kitchen out front, and I moved right into thanking the Lord for how He's helped Lily maintain these fun friendships despite transferring schools, and for what a gift it is to watch them all chatter and imagine and pile their shoes at the door.  

I jumped right into cooking them all lunch, and Matt headed to the airport to pick up the newest Indiana Wesleyan professor for courses this week.  All afternoon they played...coloring and "cooking", riding bikes and painting toenails, looking at books and playing school, having sprinkler fights and dripping mud and water, filling the house with laughter and constant chatter and a million messes, and I thought of how much persevering He faithfully brought us through to get to such easy and genuine friendship for our children, praise Him.

I spent the afternoon making enough food for 10, chicken pot pie and salad and key lime pie, and 

Matt got back with Dr. Jim, whose itinerary had said simply "J.Lo"...but turns out he's not.  

At five a few missionary families from down the road came for supper, filling the evening with good conversation and getting to know you, the girls listening to every story eagerly, so many memories from our first few years down the road, too. So much history, so many highs and lows, so many joys and discouragements, things as they had thought they'd be, and a whole lot more unexpected, a whole lot more perseverance.  A whole lot less success stories, and a whole lot more God's faithfulness.

As Lily and Sofie washed dishes and read books with the ladies, as Matt and the men talked weird surgeries and internet bandwidths, as the last dish in two hundred today was put away, as the last bed-time song was sung, as the house is finally finished for the day and as my swollen feet are finally up, grateful, I've thought through the big picture a lot today.

I'm thankful to be still at square one at His NOT ever swollen feet. Successes and disappointments, should be's and would be's and wishes and losses, heartbreaks and joys are all such a small little pile in light of His great power and faithfulness.  

Praise the Lord.