by grace and prayers and kicks in the skirt

When Matt was a youth (not just still often acted like a youth), he was investigating Taoism and trying all kinds of everything, wherever anyone led him, and grace and prayers, God continued to pursue him.  Spoke to him even, when he was no where close to God and no where close to ready, but as Acts 17:27 reminded me a few weeks ago, God wasn't far off no matter how far Matt was.

A few years later when Matt finally had a deep knowledge that the Bible was The Word, a deep trust that God was  surely The Way, he still was dragging his feet because he wanted to follow God and His Word, but not His people.  He didn't want anything to do with Christians, and again, grace and prayers, God brought him to a place of trust, asking him to let others go and to trust HIM instead, to follow just Him, to a place where he could stop worrying about everyone else, could stop looking back at the plow, and could pursue Jesus with reckless abandon.

I don't have that story, nothing like it. And it led him to me and then to Haiti, so I'm not saying it's a golden pot at the end of a rainbow!

But grace and prayers, He's bringing me to the transforming realization lately that I can stop worrying about everyone else, can stop looking back at the plow, and can pursue Him with reckless abandon, anyway.

How stuck I've been this season on being disappointed and hurt.

I've found a million reasons to be, let down and disappointed over and over, at every turn, feeling abandoned and uncared for and alone, a trap and temptation of Satan, for sure, that I have easily helped him with.

Shouldn't be like this, I keep thinking, somebody should have something, nobody even nothing, surely could have something, even though I did and gave and reached so much, nobody, nothing.

It's been dwelling and growing, and being disappointed, and then holding it tightly in my hands and adding each offense to my pile has done nothing beautiful to or for me...catching me off guard with surprising anger, with heavy bitterness, with crippling arrogance of what I surely merit and deserve.

And I've been praying out of that arrogance that the Lord would help others do better, not disapoint, try harder.  Praying He would help me let go of my frustration and hurt.  Would help me not care, would make me stronger, something.  Praying something.  Help.

And instead He's been doing something entirely different.  Grace and prayers, He's letting everyone else care about everyone else, He's taking care of everyone else out of my hands, and He's caring just about Him and me.

You know who hasn't disappointed me once, not today, not this season, not ever?  And you know who is never going to?  You know who has promised to always be no-matter-what faithful and is continually caring and pursuing?  You know who is never going to abandon, never going to disappoint?  

It's not gonna be the church, it's not gonna be Christians, it's not gonna be dearest friends or beloved spouses or precious children or faithful parents.

But it IS going to be the Living God, and I cringe to admit that I've let an awful lot overshadow Him lately.  I have left me an awful lot of hurt, putting my confidence in anything short, which is EVERYTHING but Him.

After all my hours of thinking and hurting and wishing and dwelling, He addressed me first with Acts 14 a few weeks ago--God allowing all the nations to go their own ways, but never leaving them without evidence of himself and his goodness, even sending them rain and good food and joyful hearts.

Yesterday He struck again with the ridiculously repetitive (and obviously necessarily repetitive) worship song on iTunes Radio, King of My Heart...You, You are never going to let me down. You are never going to let me down, you are never going to let, never going to let me down, never going to let me down.

It finally started seeping in as freedom.

But today was the final freeing kick in the pants, (which last 11 years has been mostly skirts) which you know is usually what it takes for me to stop wallowing in hurt and start wallowing in Jesus.

First it was O. Chambers, saying "Allow HIM to be the source of all your dreams, joys and delights"(instead of trying to find them from others and being so bitterly disappointed!)

Then then I started in on Romans, and what direct words He spoke me!

Don't you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant and patient God is with you?  
Does this mean nothing to you? 
Can't you see that His kindness is intended to lead you? (2:4)

I didn't.

I didn't see.  I've been all good, all day, all blind.

I've just been seeing how everything else has felt and seemed and been.  I haven't been seeing AT ALL how wonderfully kind, tolerant and patient God is with me, which is EXACTLY what He has been and EXACTLY what I haven't deserved.

Don't you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant and patient God is with you?  
Does this mean nothing to you? 
Can't you see that His kindness is intended to lead you? (2:4)

And with that freeing final kick, the painful hurt all seems to exit as well...because the hurts of man, no matter how deep,  don't really stand up to the surpassing love of Christ, do they.

Others will hurt us, friends, over and over, disappoint by the billions. But we have a Living God, who is NOT far off and never will be, who is so wonderfully kind and trustworthy, if only we might finally give up all the rest, all the hurts, all the disappointments, all the joys, even all the dreams and expectations, and follow Him eyes glued, trusting in His love and kindness with reckless abandon. 

He leads us to joyful hearts and deep-seated peace, He leads us to security in Him and wants to lead us, not with others or judgements or blessings or what we deserve, but desires to lead us in His KINDNESS, which is just exactly what I have longed for.  

He's got better than bitterness for you, beloved, entirely OTHER than disappointment.  May He bring us each to a place of trust, letting all else go, that we might pursue Him as He pursues us with reckless abandon, freed and deeply loved.

I write it for me, my process, my stone of remembrance of a place God intimately met me, but I hope I share it for you, too, for His glory.  We don't have to be anywhere near perfect, and neither does anyone else.  Just nearer Jesus.