this is when.

When I read this Sunday from O. Chambers, it was, of course, at the best (and worst) of times.

Lily had awoken us at midnight the night before by throwing up all over our bedroom floor (which I only realized when I ran/slid to her side)....then at 3 all over her bed and carpet, then at 6...you get the picture.  

I was emotional and exhausted in the middle of what is just kind of feeling like an emotional and exhausted place in life.  

My plans...for the day, for the week, for this season...keep getting sideswiped.  My strong desires keep getting laid down.  My "rights" keep feeling slighted.  My too-fragile heart keeps getting rather broken and disappointed.

So vomit night just felt like a representation of what feels like vomit season right now.

Lily and Matt (also very sick) were in our bed passed out, I had finished cleaning up and bleaching the floor, had gotten baby back to sleep after all the commotion, and I was remaking Lily's top bunk when I realized that there was throw up all over Sofie's brand new birthday lamb.  

In the kitchen at three, scrubbing and stinking, weary and teary, everyone sleeping--all just piled on the season of my heart feeling lonely and tired and rather abandoned--I was all out of words for a coherent prayer.  

I was all out of even knowing what my prayer is.

Lord, I said.  Lord.

And He met me.  In the vomit.

I'm incredibly thankful today to tell you with my whole heart that our God of the Universe is one who kneels down in the vomit next to us and whispers.  It is a truth beyond my comprehension.

And this is what He pressed upon my heart.

This. is. when. it. matters.

This is when.

This is when everything I say I am in Him matters...no matter WHAT anyone else says.

This is when everything I say He is weighs in...no matter WHAT is happening in my life.

This is when ALL the trust I say I have in Him shines or falters.

This is when--instead of bawling, instead of snapping, instead of yelling, instead of complaining, instead of abandoning, instead of demanding, instead of pitying, instead of drowning--THIS is when it all matters.

THREE AM is when it matters.  

Three AM scrubbing vomit is when "taking a deep spiritual breath" and remembering WHO HE IS matters.  

Hearing that news, taking a deep spiritual breath, and remembering WHO YOU TRUST matters.

Losing that thing, feeling that disappointment, suffering that blow, and taking a deep spiritual breath and remembering that HE IS STILL FAITHFUL matters.

And He can and WILL give us His supernatural grace, patience, kindness, hope and confidence to overcome in those moments.

When I finally prayed over Nora, over Sofie, over burning up Lily and groaning in stomach pain Matt and crawled into Lily's bunk, He asked me about far more than that night. 

Do I trust Him? Now?  When it matters most?

Because He is in the middle. 

 And if we can discipline our hearts and lives to take a deep spiritual breath before we plunge into temper, into fear, into worry, into action, I know it will be vastly better for our lives.  I know He can then receive amazing glory in the middle of ugly circumstances.  I know we can then be faithful, as He is faithful.

I know that by His help, in the dark night, we can trust Him.