Or any of the Sidewalk Prophets.
That I might not be AT the very event I've been working on since January.
That all the posters and cards and videos and phone calls and details and t-shirts and emails...all of it...might be labor I will not be able to experience the fruit of.
I have SO been looking forward to this night. Have I been nervous? Has it been a ton of work and been full of lots of ups and downs and concerns? Of course.
But 99% of the work? It's finished now. And the fun? It's all next Friday (the big wedding of Uncle Don's daughter that Matt is officiating), Saturday (final prep with the EBS team and Junior) and Sunday (morning preaching at Seeds of Greatness and Sunday evening, the big event of the summer!!!) All with tons of wonderful friends and family we've been waiting all summer to see!
...it's all 8 hours from here, and every time we talk to Phil and Emily, or Junior, or Sidewalk Prophets, we are more and more excited about what a powerful and fun night of hope and worship and testimony this is going to be.
And you know me. I don't want to be on stage. I don't want to be behind a mic. But I sure do want to be RIGHT THERE in the middle of it all, sitting in the back row, relishing every moment of it, loving it and loving those around me and BEING there. Telling the story.
A hundred people have asked a hundred times over the past six months, when the date of the event had to fall so close to Nora's due date : "What if Nora doesn't come in time?"
And without a shadow of a doubt, I have responded every time, "She will!"
I'd never once thought otherwise.
Till Ben had us so excited, and we sat down on the couch to work out travel plans after the girls were in bed and I realized that travel has to happen on Wednesday. And that today is Friday.
These are days that you need a mom.
Someone to love you, anyway. Someone to tell you what to do. Someone to release yourself from the millions of things flying through your heart and head. Someone to make a plan when you just. can't. seem. to. Someone to remind you of the big picture.
So we called Sharon. Though she be on vacation, and was, indeed, walking on the beach.
She's a really good mom. Even if she's not technically mine.
And as I rather wailingly explained all the issues of time and responsibility and logistics and unknowns and disappointments and concerns, looking for some kind of dream solution, she told me something I guess I knew, but have entirely disregarded.
The big event of the summer for Stacey Ayars is NOT "A Night with Emmaus : Hearts on Fire" featuring Sidewalk Prophets at Seeds of Greatness Bible Church in New Castle, Delaware on August 9th.
The big event of the summer, for momma, is Nora.
It's Nora. It's supposed to be, it's allowed to be, I can let it be, I should make it be.
And if I forget that...if I ignore that...if I have an infant and three days later put my family in a van and drive across the country and go to a wedding and run a concert, with a four, five, six day old baby...staying who knows where at night, feeding us all who knows what, trying to balance Lily and Sofie and Nora and working...I will be standing there, looking at her while she wails and say to myself,
"WHAT am I doing?"
And as much as I LOVE and LIVE this fantastic ministry and all the people who make it up, and as much as I have LOVED working with Sidewalk Prophets (seriously, what a special group of men) and as much as it hurts my heart to even think about missing OUT on one moment of it...
My first ministry? Here and in Haiti and big event or no big event...it's Matt and my girls.
I committed to that a long time ago, and despite everything the doctors have been saying for WEEKS about how Nora would never make it until her due date, and would be here in plenty of time...
Today was my due date. And it is time to face the facts. It is too late to do it all well.
And doing my family unwell is not an option.
And so we wait.
And pray. And trust...
Trust (get ready for this shocker) that God can actually do all of this without my presence. Trust that all these events will be beautiful and just what He has, with or without me. Trust that He knows what He's doing, that He will bless my very (tearful) best given unto Him, trust that what Emmaus needs, what I need...that He. will. be.
And He will be.