While I would always encourage everyone to ask those they support with their prayers and finances good questions about their lives and work, I was frustrated by the idea of missionaries (or anyone who claims to be a Christ-follower) lying.
But since then, I have come across a few articles on FB like these, 14 Things Your Missionaries Might Like to Tell You, But Feel Inhibited and 10 Things Missionaries Won't Tell You, and thought about a lot of conversations I've had with other missionaries, pastors and those in full-time ministry...
...and realized that people in full-time ministry often feel like they CAN'T be honest.
Sure, the things "they're" not saying are rather innocent...like "They need a vacation, but won't tell you if they ever do take one," "You'll never ever hear about their hard days," "They ask for money because they have no choice," and "When we're visiting you, we haven't actually come home."
But reading through these articles, I'm wondering WHY "we're" NOT supposed to tell "you" those things. If missionaries or pastors or others in full-time ministry feel that we are supposed to say only positive things, never take breaks or vacations, sugar-coat every reality and work 22 hours a day with only successes, then, yeah.
It's not honest. 'Cause we'd all be dead.
As much as missionaries and pastors hate being thought of as "super-humans" or "super-Christians", it is probably fueled by the feeling we have that missionaries and pastors are SUPPOSED to be. Fueled by how we feel like donors want us to be. If we only show you all the good things, the hard work things, never show you the hard days and never let you know that we go to the beach, you might feel like we ARE better people--super Christians.
And that would be a lie, too.
Asking you, like these articles, not to assume that we are up on American culture, to try to ask us questions about our job, not to point out that we are heavier or older, to try to pay attention to our children and to please give us grace is just to ask you to treat us like we should all always be treating each other!
This isn't even solely a missionary or full-time ministry problem. This is a CHRISTIAN problem, feeling like as Christ-followers, we have to always smile, press on, and carry our burdens alone....how many people feel like we can only tell supporters, friends and strangers beautiful or back-breaking things to keep their support or interest or to impress them with our walks.
It breaks my heart to see and know of so many families who continue to sacrifice their children, their marriages and their personal walks with God to serve Him and to try to impress and please donors/congregations/boards/friends/etc.
This past Sunday, as Pastor Jerome walked us out to the car after all being at church from 7 am - 2 pm, he said, "Go home! You know what I'm gonna do? Go home, sit on my back porch and do NOTHIN'!"
My first (wrong) thought 10 years ago? Wow, that must be nice!
My first thought Sunday? THANK YOU.
Without knowing it, this man of God just gave ME permission not to super-Stacey, but to SABBATH. By him telling us that he was doing what he SHOULD do, he graced and inspired me to do what WE should do. Rest. After 7 hours of preaching, praying, sharing, listening, meeting and greeting.
I know I get a lot of flack for saying so many of the things that "you shouldn't say" on this blog...like, "Today broke my heart and here's why..." and "If it weren't for Jesus today, I would be done" and "the overwhelm of rats has me so frustrated I could scream" and "Our little family spent yesterday at Elmo World."
But you know what?
I want YOU to take your little family to Elmo World, too. I want YOU to rest and Sabbath. I want YOU to share with me YOUR heartbreak. I want YOU to share with stubborn me what He is teaching stubborn you. I want YOU to tell me what changed everything in your marriage, what broke your heart with your children, what is often hard about your job. I want YOU to prioritize Christ and your walk with Him in your life. I want you to be transparent with me, and I want to grow because of the testimony of YOUR LIFE and struggles and His faithfulness!
He doesn't have each of us where He does so we can pretend or hide or stretch or cover or twist or be proud or downplay the TRUTH. He has us together, as HIS BODY, to live and share and love each other, broken, mended, struggling, celebrating. Honestly.
I'm not making a missionary list of how missionaries can be more honest or how you can help them be more honest because WE. ARE. ALL. MISSIONARIES.
So here's my Christ-follower-transparency-list-for-His-Glory:
When things are hard, say they are hard, and tell each other how to pray. This doesn't mean we have to divulge every juicy detail or complain But there is so much good in saying, "Actually, things with my son are breaking my heart right now...please pray that I would rely fully on God!" or "I've really been feeling lonely lately. Could you pray for me?" Not only does this enable others to truly minister to us, but it also enables others to be transparent and share with us! So many people (like yours truly) feel so much more open to share heart-break when you share heart-break, too!
When someone says things are hard, ASK how you can pray! And DO! I know this is hard sometimes, but asking how you can pray is an automatic reminder to others that talking to God on their behalf is the most beautiful gift we can pour on their suffering. Reminds others that before all else, we can lift each other up to our Father. Write them down in your prayer journal and DO pray. Tell them so later. As you pray, if God prompts you to DO something, DO IT.
When you get to celebrate or rest or do something special, TELL each other! Of course I'm not talking about bragging. But by sharing good with each other, we're encouraging others to share good, too. My dear friend Ana (whom I have technically never met, but still dear friend :) went to Rome for Christmas and when she got back, sent me awesome pictures of her family in fun places. How special I felt that she shared those with me, and then sending her pictures of our day at the beach in Haiti was a joy!
When someone shares something good they were able to experience, do NOT down it! Comments like, "Wow, I wish MY family got to do that!" " I don't know how you found time to do that!" or sarcastic versions of "You've really been working hard, huh!" only make people feel guilty, apologetic, or like they should NEVER take a break or spend a penny again. Let's encourage each other to take care of ourselves and our families by celebrating joys for others!
Don't encourage unhealthiness in each other. It is the people who say, "Have you and Matt been on a date lately? WHY NOT? That's not ok" and those who say, "When is your devotional time each day? Are you sticking to that?" who have caused the most growth and healthiness in my life (Torells!), not those who say, "Wow, you're an AMAZING mom for staying up all night icing cupcakes" or "Why don't you do more _____________?"
Be careful to be honest, good and bad. Whether you are dependent upon supporters for every penny, took over the family business, make ends meet at Starbucks or own an insanely successful business, we are living and working FOR. THE. LORD. So let's do it honestly, call it like it is, and not change our tune or angle based on what we think man thinks. If that means you lose some support, lose some support. If that means offending someone, letting go of snarky comments, letting someone down or humbling ourselves, admitting defeat, admitting rest, admitting struggle, DO IT.
Be transparent with this journey that the Lord has carried you on, for HIS glory and unto HIM. Share your journey so that others might see Jesus in their own. Listen to others, give grace, don't judge. Get behind people's hearts. Celebrate when they celebrate! Mourn when they mourn! Encourage each other to pursue Jesus, to live in Him and to love each other well.
Good thoughts, Stacey. I must say, though I strive to be honest and be "real" and "down to earth", I have had the unfortunate experience of being "burned' by being, what someone once told me was "too honest" about my struggles. The implication wasn't so much that I shouldn't be honest or admit my weaknesses and failures, but more that those are not necessarily things that I need to share with everyone. Prudence, I guess, was what the lesson was meant to be. I remember thinking at the time that I don't know if I know how to be anything less than fully honest with everyone or if I even want to be...but I do see the point...some people who have not been there, don't understand. And so why open something up to misunderstanding? They will not understand why I cringe every time I hear another knock at the door (and the subsequent guilty feelings for having cringed in the first place)...not if they haven't been there. And try as I might to explain, they will just assume that something is "wrong" with me...maybe there is...but I don't find that having every person who doesn't understand hear that about me all that edifying to me...so I don't try to lie about it...I just don't talk about it. Does that still equal a lie? I am happy to discuss it with someone who truly cares and is listening...but there aren't that many good listeners out there. Half the time, I don't even know HOW to explain what I'm feeling or experiencing to someone who doesn't already know. So again, I'm not trying to be dishonest...I just don't know how to share that part of me with someone who's not walked the same road. Much in the same way that I probably could never understand the grief of losing a very close loved one unexpectedly. I can do what I can to be there, but I can't really enter in to their suffering in the same way. As I mature, I've learned not to judge their experience, realizing that I have no experience to judge it by and really can't know. I pray and care. But I'm sure that, for that particular experience, that person would feel more understood and able to share and open up to someone who really KNOWS what they are going through. Maybe as they walk through different seasons of the process they will be more able to share with those of us who don't know from experience? I don't know. Just musing out loud. I'm not really disagreeing with your post about transparency. Just trying to be a little less hard on those of us who struggle to be open and transparent. We WANT to be known, but that requires a level of vulnerability that is really scary and that not everyone can handle! I used to think I was pretty good at the open, vulnerable thing. But a few "blindside" burns make you a bit more cautious, though you turn the hurt over to Jesus. I believe and I claim that I have forgiven those people, but I'm not exactly eager to put myself into a situation where I might experience that again! So, I try to be a little more cautious with what I say publicly, anyway...which is probably one reason why I haven't been able to blog. I struggle, really...with fear...fear of what people might misunderstand in what I say. I need to get over that, I know. Because I don't like that I'm blocked in my writing because of fear. And now this comment has become really long and rambly, but your post, I guess, got me thinking about this whole issue some. Anyway, I guess there's got to be a good balance out there...as you titled it - transparency for His glory...not just for transparency's sake.
ReplyDeleteWhat you're saying here is exactly why the initial blog about missionaries being liars upset me...part of it is just ENTIRELY different cultural understandings, which is NOT the same as lying when it is described vaguely or not talked about at all or talking about it in a way that our home culture will understand it accurately. We've also been burned more than once, (which I've had to let go of for the greater good and give those people and comments to God) and I've had to do my share of unintentionally offended apologies (each time, promising I'm NEVER blogging again.) But if we let the fear of that stop us from sharing our hearts, then no one gets to benefit what He's doing in our hearts, either! I MISS YOU! Growing is painful, and stretching ourselves and others is often hard. And yeah, you're right, it's not just sharing to get it off our chest or sharing to share...only sharing in a way and with the hope that He can use it to reach others. Believe it or not, there are quite a few things we don't share, because I just can't find a way to make it about Him...or that I don't share for months until He's shown me where He IS in it so that I can point others to Him!) It's what makes ALL our lives DEVOTIONAL for others. I know you know this, too, but sometimes as missionaries it feels like no one feels they can be transparent with YOU, feeling like we are some kind of super-Christians...and I LONG for that and appreciate it so much from others. So we've gotta keep trying to do the same with others, even when the space may not be "safe". Keep on, Flo....we love you and I have been so grateful so many times for your transparency in our lives. THANK YOU for sharing this with me, friend...I don't mean to be hard on anyone, just want to encourage us to keep on trying, despite bad experiences, for His glory, knowing that His body can be so much more effective in ministering to each other if we will be vulnerable! THANK YOU for saying something...commenting your true thoughts is EXACTLY what I'm talking about!! :) Love you guys
DeletePS - this is me being transparent to you, though I know this blog is public. But please don't take my transparency with what I struggle with as a criticism of the point you were making! I really was just doing what you asked - being transparent about what I struggle with! ;)
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