audience of one

Holding board meetings, Alumni Day and Graduation right against the last week of the school means that our time of year-end reflection, emotion, rest and relief is pushed off a few weeks...replaced with formal reflection, vision casting, lots of social ministry and cooking.  Program printing.  Program re-printing.

It means that at the edge of the year, we are right at the edge of ourselves.

One. more. really. big. push.

Things that are hard feel harder.  Things that are good feel better.  Days that are long feel longer.

Coffee that is strong needs to be stronger :)

At the edge of myself today, He has met me in two rather monumental ways.  And I'm praising the Lord!

Or maybe they just SEEM monumental.

But they do.

My lovely part of board meetings is to help navigate through the budget and spending, projects and financial questions.  bleck.

But as we finished that, somehow a question answered by Matt came out as beautiful, powerful, passionate vision for the future EBS.  My realistic (Matt would suggest pessimistic) self quickly thought of all the problems with such a vision.  What if something didn't work?  What if bigger meant harder?  What if better meant students would get proud and pompous?  Surely Matt should aim lower...save a little bit for himself...pour out a little and not so much...count on people but not FULLY.

Thankfully, it wasn't my place to respond with my ever-flowing opinion, and instead I listened while a question was addressed to our national board members, "Is this too high?  Too low?  What if x, y, z develops because of this?"

The answer was beautiful.  One I wish I had recorded.  A story, a testimony, a powerful response.  A plea to give Him all we've got. A whole-hearted hallelujah, amen, let's go.

I can't quote all the details, but through the gist of his response I found His still small voice reminding me that IT. IS. NOT. MINE.

If our very best unto the Lord is offered freely, and it makes people grateful or angry, pleased or perplexed,  it is not mine.

If our very best unto the King is given heartily, and earnest hearts grow and bloom and pride gains knowledge and puffs prouder still...it is not mine.

If our very best unto our God is poured out entirely, and it is appreciated or resented or used well or squandered or understood or foolish...it is not mine.

The weight of the world, the weight of EBS, the weight of others and their choices, the weight of others and their behaviors.  It is not my weight.  

If I pour it all out for the sake of EBS or __________, I will have nothing, and will be disappointed.

If we give it all for the happiness of another, they will not be, and we will be broken.

If we give our best for the sake of GETTING what we think is best, we will be fully unsatisfied and tired, at that.

But if ALL that I am, and ALL that I do, and ALL that I dream and pour is for HIM...

It is enough.  I am nothing but full, my eyes firmly fixed on Him.

We are to be pouring out freely unto Him our very best unto Him.  No matter what...It is enough.

Do you need this?  I needed this.

We are not responsible to and for others.  We are responsible to be filled to the brim with Christ and sharing His through our words and lives unto Him.

Still touched and reflecting on the freedom that this truth brings, I ran out of the meeting to go pick up Lily from school like I do three times a week, but this time...