I guess I hadn't expected to see him today, and well, you know. As much as we want to love on hurting people, it's easier to avoid them like the plague because their hurt HURTS. I wasn't composed enough to face him yet.
But there he stood and I just shook my head. "Blaise, I'm so sorry."
"I just thought...," he said quietly, "I mean. I thought. He was so...CUTE. He was so cute and perfect, and I thought I had my son, and I was so happy, and then I had to leave, and I told him, I'll be back in a moment, my son, and then they called me on the phone and told me he had died."
By now, surrounded by wrinkled cash and books and copies and running late for class, I am crying in my office with Blaise standing awkwardly by, trying hard to control his own emotions and to ask for prayer.
"My wife is very sad on the inside," he continues in his good, but simple, English. "And the doctor said she could go home, but she says there still must be something wrong with her, because she feels so sick inside" he continued, telling me he needs prayers for strength and for courage so that he can help his wife.
"I must thank God. A lot of people lose their baby AND their wife (ruin your day here). God is showing me Himself, still, and took care of my wife, still. We have hope, yes? Please be praying."
Out of nowhere, I envisioned his little boy with Jesus...not too little, not too sick, just cute and perfect, as Blaise described him. The obvious-but-often-forgotten realization hit me anew that Blaise's little boy is God's. God's got him.
And because of that, today he is SO GOOD. Blissfully good. Completely good. With so many others. In the physical, complete, free and glorious presence of the Holy One.
It is only Blaise, only his wife, who are hurting (and my mascara smudged self.)
A haze was lifting.
While it's easy to see that Blaise's son is actually God's because he is now WITH God, is Lily any LESS God's because she's here with me?
And if I can have such complete and total trust, confidence and joy in the knowledge that despite our pain, Blaise's son is GOOD with God, then can't I have that SAME level of trust with my own daughter?
Lily, this side of heaven, is JUST AS MUCH God's--and in His care--as Blaise's son. Blaise, just as much God's as me. Me, just as much God's as my mom is, though she sits at His feet and I carry Him in my heart.
If I can clearly see and know and trust and find JOY in the midst of heartbreak that Blaise's son is fully God's and fully cared for by God, then I can trust the same thing with Our daughter, though she continues here on earth. As obvious as it is that Blaise's son is not his--but God's--because of his death...Lily is NO MORE mine because of her life.
That's not coming out as clear as I wish, but...that's where I am today.
If I truly believe and TRUST (it always seems to come down to trust) that Lily is God's, (or even if I don't)... SHE IS. And in His perfect watch care.
Like Blaise, I thought I had my daughter.
But I am GRATEFUL for the freeing reminder today that while God has indeed given her to me for a little while to care for, she is STILL really just HIS.
I didn't know her before the creation of the world. I didn't form her in my womb, don't know the number of the hairs on her head. I don't stand over her while she sleeps, I don't follow her every step, I don't hear the cries of her heart, I don't know the racing of her mind, I don't know her future, I can't protect her from all that much, frankly, I've left her many a time and let her down, and starting Monday, I won't even sit beside her in class.
But He will. And she is HIS.
And as such, she is GOOD.
---
remind me monday.
remind yourself today.
They're not living the way we had hoped? They're far from Him, making bad choices, breaking your heart and the guilt is crippling? They're doing great, in first place, all A's, couldn't be prouder? They got sick, or got hurt, or have joined His side?
Yes, they are ours to minister to the very best that we possibly can.
But "because He has given us this ministry, as we've received mercy, we do not lose heart." (2 Cor. 4:1)
Ultimately, our children are HIS...let us give them to Him daily, for His glory, for our intended freedom, for His powerful hand.
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