Fallen-Short Mama.

So, the mama thing is heading into a new era.  Like, Lily is growing up.  And while a lot of things are getting easier…no diapers, more independence, great conversations, helping around the house…the parenting/discipleship part is getting a lot harder. 

It’s not just about taking care of her anymore.  Making sure she is safe.  Fed.  Warm (or cool, in our case).  

 Suddenly, I’m realizing how hugely vital my role is…not just as mommy, but as one of the two people on the planet divinely given the responsibility to disciple this little one in Christ…to lead her to Him, to train her up in the way she should go…HIS way.

It’s been a rough weekend.  We’ve all four been sick.  It’s been really hot.  But Lily has made more bad choices than good, and while I know this might sound melodramatic from where you’re sitting, it’s got me heavy-hearted and a bit overwhelmed. 

A good friend brought her bananas and avocados, and Lily absolutely, positively would NOT say thank you (apparently, “God made her too shy”).  When Azi asked for a toy back and Matt finally had to ask Lily to give it back, Lily threw it at her, and then when Matt immediately asked Lily to come to him, she ran.  After dinner, I asked her to head for the bath-tub, and she said, “no” and sat on the couch.

OK, so these may not sound like grave sins to you, but Lily has NEVER acted like this.  Ever.  She’s always super-reliably, well, good. 

And I know these are small things, but to see her (let’s call it what it is) blatantly and deliberately SIN is just…heartbreaking. 

One, my heart is broken to behold it as the one raising her up, and two, my heart is broken at the re-realization of how heartbreaking MY sin is to Him.  While mine might be harder to see and less clear-cut as Lily’s, it’s the same: choosing what I want over what I KNOW He wants. 

So,  here we are, as parents who have been given this most precious ministry of raising these ones up to know and love and walk with Jesus, and for the first time I feel that >pang< of parenthood when you realize you must DO your best and BE the best example of Christ you can and BE consistent…but that ultimately, you can’t MAKE anyone choose Him over themselves. 

I can’t make her make the right decision!  Can’t make her obey!  Anymore than He can make me.

So, she spent a lot of time this weekend in time out, lost her movie night with the kids, has a sore fanny and on the upswing, spent quite a bit of time with us talking about Jesus, who He is, and what makes Him happy, and why we WANT to make Him happy.

As we prayed in bed last night, I asked her if she wanted to tell Jesus anything, and her sad little voice throwing “Jesus, I’m sorry!” into the dark room wrung my heart.  When she finished, our previous discussions of Jesus’ death took on new meaning.  “Lily, you told Him you’re sorry, and the Bible says He forgives you.  Jesus died for your badness.”

I could see her eyes widen in the dark.  She’s heard the phrase, “Jesus died for our badness” a hundred times, but until this past weekend, Lily’s badness hadn't really that obvious to her.  This weekend, what Jesus did means something.  That’s a positive.

Suddenly, I feel the weight.  Like, I should quit working at EBS and stop doing laundry and quit making bread and focus all my effort, all my time, all my energy on training up these precious little ones, given to me BY Him FOR Him…and just create this little bubble in which choosing Jesus is easy.

But I can’t!  Sin is all around her.  She’s learning it everyday, from herself and others…she’s off to school soon, learning, learning…and not just learning from us anymore.  And what I can do, what I have to do, is give Him my all in this ministry of child-raising.  BE Christ to my little shadows.  Bind His Word upon their little hearts.  Introduce them constantly to my best friend and Father.

What a gift, what a job, what a responsibility!  Way bigger than making sure these little ones learn their ABC’s and eat their carrots.  Way greater than Lily knowing when her birthday is or how to write her name…

It’s not about doing this huge list of good things and not doing this huge list of bad things.  It’s just about knowing Jesus.  Being in a relationship with Him...where His glory and joy determines our decisions, even little girl ones. 

What a humbling experience, this parenting thing.  Fallen short mama, and nonetheless (by His grace) in my watch-care two fallen short precious ones. 

I need your prayers, and you have mine!  If I’m this much of a wreck over 3 years, I can’t even fathom teen-Lily.  Oh my. 

Grateful to have had parents who led me in The Way, grateful that while He couldn’t make me love or choose Him, He DID take the consequence of my sin on Himself , grateful that He’s given me this most precious ministry, grateful that the girls are in HIS hand--Not mine--and grateful that we have the promise and knowledge of His help, one day at a time! 

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If you’re looking for some GREAT discipleship parenting resources (and we have read MANY) these two are at our way top…  Discipleship in the Home by Matt Friedeman and  Hints on Child Training by Henry Trumball.  Really good, really clear, really Biblical stuff. 

Any, I feel you, sister!-s out there?  Always love to hear from you...