once was lost, but now?

Eight years ago today my mom traded walking with the Lord here to literally sitting at His feet.  She had been sick for a few months, but somehow her death caught all of us just completely off guard.  For the longest time, I remember feeling like my life was over.  Paralyzed.  I didn't know how to continue, didn't want to continue, and couldn't imagine that He still had a plan for my life without Mom.

But somehow as life continued, ready-or-not, missing mom morphed from a nightmarish event to part of who I am.  Missing Mom DNA.  I miss her now as much as I did then, but the Lord has graciously allowed her life, and her death, to become a part of me.  Because her death has changed me (thanks to a lot of prayer, family, some dear friends and His voice), instead of crippled me, I'm able to not only have her in my life, but am able to share her with Matt, Lily, my family, you and in my daily life.

Because of Him and because they have chosen so, I also  have the joy of now finding some of the best parts of mom in my sister and Dad.  My dad has become an abundantly patient man, attentive to the often seemingly insignificant details of his children's lives, endlessly generous and incredibly thoughtful.  Lisa is a compassionate and caring woman, quick to sacrifice, tirelessly creative and incredibly thoughtful as well, one of mom's crowning traits.

She never got to meet Matt, has missed precious moments with Lily, was noticeably absent at Lisa's wedding, will never get to snuggle future grandchildren, nor do all that stuff that she and Dad were going to do as soon as we all left home (which somehow still hasn't happened, anyway :)!  I will never be able to say, "All was as it should have been."

But there is nothing to be done about that, and we have continued to live out His plan (which didn't end that awful day, after all) and with many of the best parts of mom woven in to who we are.

There is something to that that just seems right.

While Jesus had been telling his closest for years that his death was coming, His death still seemed to catch everyone completely off guard.  Even up to the last moment, his friends were denying death's coming, many didn't seem to be taking the last grave moments seriously, and I can't help but think that after He was buried, and perhaps even after He resurrected and ascended, that His Family was a bit paralyzed.

How could they possibly go on without Him?  Was this the end of His plan?  They hadn't yet learned everything they needed to know, hadn't yet become everything they would need to be!  They didn't know how to continue, I'm sure many didn't know if they wanted to continue, and many probably couldn't imagine what His plan was!

And so there are many, even to this day, that have never moved past the crucifixion.  It wasn't how it should have been, the Father having to send His only Son to die for OUR sin, to make clean OUR stains, but there was nothing to be done about that.  Only death, and only Jesus would do.  And He did.

And we can claim that cross.  That's necessary.  Claiming the blame, confessing the cause, paralyzed by the cost, mortified and overwhelmed and grateful by His gift...all of that is key.

But has His death...and more importantly...has His LIFE, become a part of our DNA?  Made us different people today than we would have been had He never lived, never died?  Are parts of God woven in to who we are today?  Do we have the joy of finding tangible and specific qualities of Jesus in each other?

Or are we still hanging out in the graveyard, lamenting that He died, clinging to the cross, though He spent very little time there?

Has His death changed us?  Or did we kind of stay there...crippled Christians...even content ones?  His death IS a never-ending event in the life of a Christ follower...but His life has to change us and become a part of who we are, too.

When I see or hear something in someone or something that reminds me of my precious mom, I find her...I lose her...I miss her...I love her...I want to be like her...all over again.  Strongly.

Is it possible that we could be agents of THAT on His behalf in this world?  That we so exude Christ, that others find Him...and remember His death...and long for Him...and love Him...and want to be like Him, strongly, all over again?

My mom would have been the first to tell you that the world doesn't need more Susan's.  Just more of the Christ that was within her, and spilled out of her.

Because His death has changed me, instead of crippled me, I'm able to not only have Him in my life, but am able to share Him with Matt, Lily, my family, you and in my daily life.

There is something to that that just seems right.