not finished

I good cried three times today. Which is not normal. Especially on a day like today. 

I have been spread super thin the last few days. And today was the grande finale. 

Ben had a double header tournament in Clinton (30 minutes). Matt was the graduation speaker for the Salvation Army in Atlanta (and got to see his nephew play ball in Atlanta the night before!) Lily had work, 9-6. Sofie has been in Starkville (2 hours away) all week for cheer camp and 11 am was the showcase, competition and noon, I was to bring home 10 cheerleaders. 

I tried and tried and couldn't figure out how to make it work. My help committed weeks ago to take Ben to his tournament had to cancel on Thursday. I felt strongly I needed to do the Sofie portion...haven't even seen girly since before her bday, and Sofie is often the least needy one and therefore missed. Gaga Beth is on a women's retreat. Roommate Hannah is over-piled and couldn't make it work. 

All day Wednesday I was squidgy.  How did we get in this situation? We have followed the "only one thing per person" rule to a T, and yet "only one thing each" and nothing for Emma but tagalong is still too many things. These ages are full! What am I doing wrong? How can I do more? How can I fix this? How can I plan this thing out?

Wednesday evening, unable, I was mad.  

WHY does every person out there have family...grandparents five minutes away dying to go to baseball games or to keep littles while Mom runs to cheer camps. LOOK at all the ways my kids are missing out. Why does everyone have family and we never have family! You can't just ask people who AREN'T family to bear 100 degree heat and driving an hour and watching baseball games for kids not their own! You can't just ask people to watch your 3 and 10 year old for SEVEN hours on Saturday morning at 8 am.

Then I got sad. Cried myself to sleep Wednesday night. I miss my sister, SO fun and good to do life with and haven't gotten to do it. Ever.  I miss my parents, who would LOVE these stages and balance out teenage hormones and help invest in these dear ones. Help make these busy ages of five different directions WORK.

I woke up Thursday morning sour and complaining to the Lord. 

I can't do this by myself. I don't want to let my kids down. I can't do it all. My very best is NOT cutting it. 

WHY don't we have family for times like this?

As soon as I said it, He raised His eyebrows at me. 

I saw Him. Amused.

Have you asked the family I have given you?

That still, unexpected small voice was precise and clear and transforming.

It instantly silenced my previous urge to remind Him games were hot and the day was long and people were busy and He didn't give us any biological family within 800 literal miles. You know, all the reasons I had came up with not to ask. I hate asking for help. I hate not being able to help myself. 

Immediately our Tuesday night small-ish group came to my mind. 

A friend said once that the best thing about kids is that when they know what to do, they don't stop and think about why they shouldn't or couldn't do it....they DO it. She says not to "adult" things into disobedience or slowness to obey. Faith like a child. 

So I moved on His raised eyebrow. 

Texted my busy small group, explained the situation, asked if anyone could help. Sent it before I deleted it.

A few precious mamas juggling equal number of kids equal number of places offered to try to help where they could...but they really couldn't. They had about 11 free minutes. But love us too much to leave me hanging. 

Not you   came instant to my mind. 

Not you   I texted them back.   Love you, but not you. 

And then He sent us just what I needed. 

A neighbor with two girls asked if Nora and Emma could go to the pool with them Saturday. 

Then Miss Piggy, as the kids call her, jumped on it. 

The weather and Ben and the games work for me. 

Peggy usually has happy, quiet, beautiful chaos-free adventures on her bike on Saturdays. 

Love looks like sacrifice. Sacrifice, love.

Count me in, what color do I wear? jumped in my dear friend Carlene.

Classic Scott and Susan next with a We are dad-gum excited, Hey batter, batter, SWING! Let's go!

Within minutes I had all three littles and two people for each of Ben's warm-ups and games covered. People he knows. People we love. People who didn't hem and haw or complain or agree with reluctance.

People who made sacrifice sound like a gift. People who acted like...family.

Which instantly made all my 48 hours of squidgyness, emotion, frustration, helplessness and stubbornness feel SO...wasteful. Untrusting. Stupid.

When will I learn the Emma-lesson? Crying for 9 months about a baby that was NOT a good gift and NOT good timing....only to hold the BEST and most PERFECT timing gift every single day since? Wasted nine months instead of TRUSTING Him. That His gifts are good ones. That He knows better.

His gifts are good ones. His example is sacrificial love. And He knows better...and never intended for us to do it ourselves. 

Carlene showed up at 7:30 am with breakfast sandwiches and a red hat, and she and Peggy took Ben and his gear at 7:45 am this morning. My eyes were dripping as they pulled away, because the little man in the backseat was happy and brave and growing and waving and off and loved, not just by me. Because Peggy and Carlene hugged me like it was a GIFT to help, not a burden. Because they sent me videos of him hitting and base running and in every one, I can hear their voices cheering him on. Ben could hear them cheering him on. I cried because they don't have grandkids...but Ben has them.

Scott and Susan traded them out for game two, and brought Ben his favorite snacks mama don't buy him, cheered him on so loud he was laughing and kept me updated from cheer-central.  They were his cool aunt and uncle, and never once did he say, "It was fine, but I wish you and dad were there." He just had fun and was watched and cheered and loved, and he knew it. He loved it. I cried when he called me later, telling me all about his fun day and how loved on he had been.

Our neighbors had four girls all day to their normal two, and loved it. Made cobbler, did puzzles, played in the sprinkler. Got to watch the game on tv because their two were fully entertained by our two. 

When competition for 500 cheerleaders, Sonic for 10 cheerleaders and four hours on the road was completed (the last two hours much louder than the first) and my Sofie girl finally back and now 15, all my kids were playing, happy, home, loved, blessed. 

I cried when I watched Sofie in the pyramid, Sofie who is trying to figure it all out and you can see the heaviness on her shoulders and spirit and on her sparkle. She is NOT my girl. She is HIS. She doesn't NEED my plans. The Lord has PLANS for this girl. Good gifts. He's at work in her. He is not done. Her cheer coach reminded me in the middle of the arena that instead of fretting over the places I worry about in her life, PRAY them down.

My mom didn't get see His plans for my sister and my's life past Lisa-16. Past Lily and Sofie's age. I am there, I am where mom was when she finished. 

I pray He gives me lots of years to watch what He's doing in these kids.

I have no promise of that. 

But I got to watch what He's doing today. And every single time I've done all I can do...He has not.

What He's doing is a lot bigger than me. And He's not finished. And clearly not finished teaching ME. 

Praise the Lord.

Instead of worry, instead of complaining over what you do not have...

Ask Him.  See what He says. 

And do it.