back to the beach

OH such a sweet three days away at the beach.

EVERY visit we have ever made to any beach has been at my request, and this time...this time Matt saw me and knew I needed it, and said two weeks ago, "I think we need to get you to the beach...let's make it happen!"

As one who abhors the heat, salt water, and sand...this major act of love and sacrifice that I didn't even have to ask for was such a gift...and made the whole trip extra meaningful.

I ADORE every minute I can watch the waves. Every swim out to the sandbar with a kiddo. Catching jellyfish and minnows and sand fleas with Lily. Boogie boarding with Nora and Ben. Going to the pool with Sofie. Building sand castles with Ben and Emma, reading (just my Bible this time...catching up with my reading plan!) walking on the beach with Sofie and Lily (and even Matt!), sitting. Watching. Breathing. 

I don't sit and watch and breath very often, but man: the beach demands it and I soak it in deeply.

I'm so thankful. I could have spent another 100 days :)

We went back to the same beach we went to last November for Thanksgiving. 

That trip was incredibly heavy. Matt was at a breaking point. Really, past the breaking point, trying to push through. It was our first Thanksgiving without Dad. We were alone, far from home, our first Thanksgiving ever with no family, no community. I was really concerned about Matt. We had seven kids in a small condo and it was too cold to swim. We thought getting away would help Matt, but it made it worse, and caring for our seven without any friends or family and trying to care for Matt, all away from home. It wasn't good.

That trip marked the beginning of the darkest days of our lives...Matt truly being unable to push and carry ANY more, ANY longer. 

We were a bit nervous going back to that same place this week...but I asked the Lord to give us courage to face it and to please redeem it, and He just DID.  Walking that same beach and finding those same tiny yellow flowers...8 months later...every step reminded me how far we have broke, healed and grown...and just how FAITHFUL He has been.  Wave in and wave out, all the storms of the last months, there I walked, same place again, and the sky was pink, again, God on the throne. He has truly walked with us every step of the way...even the darkest valleys, He was there. 

That Thanksgiving trip I pocketed dozens of shells, only the ones with small holes, and as my world fell apart in the coming weeks, I emptied the bulletin board by my desk and took to writing down every single place He came through, every single faint glimmer of light. Lifelines when I was drowning. I pinned the notes to the board, each with a pin through a white seashell...words like, "Beth came when I called", "Kroger gift-card", and "Sunshine on porch swing."  

Many days and nights, I read and re-read from one seashell to the next, reminding myself He saw me and loved us and was there. Reminding myself that if He was showing up in these small ways, He would not leave or forsake us. Reminding myself He.was. there. 

This time on a long, lone sunset walk, He showed me one perfect, unbroken, jet-black shell. The only one I picked up and brought home.

Even my darkness was not dark to Him.

Though we walked through the valley of the shadow of death, He was with us.  He comforted me. He prepared a place for us. His goodness and mercy followed me. 

Back to the beach. And every step in between.

You are good family and have prayed us through an awful, awful lot. We are RICH in you. Thank you. 

Whatever you're going through...look for Him. Write Him down. He is there.