here between the tension of the two

We have been pushing hard and harder still, for a lotta lotta years, digging deeper and deeper and working harder and harder and taking more on and more on and experiencing losses and disappointments without processing or healing, and loved ones, we were working from a place of weary and despairing.  By His grace and the wonders of His love, He brought Matt to a place of stop!surrender, though the cost of raising our hands to trust Him and watch so much we love slip through kills us. 

This point of ceasing our striving, this place of surrender, it could also be called a breaking point, and the past months leading Matt to step away from Wesley Biblical Seminary this past week have been so heavy and dark that I am clinging to trusting without knowing how that the Lord has our good (and the good of His people!) in His heart.

Somehow, there has been such heartache, such tears, such grieving, such exhaustion, and yet such grace, and I can't deny even in this dark night of the soul His goodness. 

Today, Betsy--heading into round six of chemo in her own darkest days--pulled up with her fuzzy head and ginormous poinsettia and a crate-load of berries and set me bawling anew. In a world of texting and germs and fear of doing or saying the wrong thing, she just showed up and loved us, and I'll never forget. 

Lord, Be at work gilding these long heartbreaks with the advent of good friendships...

Tuesday, Aunt Sharon stood outside at the Jackson airport despite her busy pre-Christmas life at home, and has loved my babies, wrapped their Christmas presents, and held my hand 3 am.

Lord, remind me again and again of your goodness, your presence, your promises.

Matt's dear friend showed up at night to sit by Matt's bed, brought us Kroger cards for groceries mama was tempted to worry about. One day Steve just came and sat in our sadness, Julie not far behind with food and friendship. 

Let me neither ignore my pain, pretending all is okay when it isn't, nor coddle and magnify my pain, so that I dull my capacity to experience all that remains good in this life.

Wise and sacred counsel with our beloved pastor on current burdens brought up a past Haiti hurt that has never been reconciled, and somehow the Lord powerfully and miraculously brought healing where we weren't even looking. 

We your children are at liberty to lament our losses, even as we simultaneously rejoice in the hope of the coming restoration. 

Our neighbors have hemmed an extra little one into playtime, hardworking habits that have bled into unhealthy have been realized, little prayers for help and purpose in all the pain have been heard by Him and He holds us. 

In one hand I grasp the burden of my grief, while with the other I reach for the hope of grief's redemption, and here between the tension of the two, let my heart be surprised by, shaped by, warmed by, remade by the same joy that forever wells within and radiates from your heart, O God. 

As much as I'd like to skip the seasons in life when we can't go one more step forward and where darkness threatens to overcome, give me courage, O Lord, to live them fully, to love and to allow myself to be loved, to remember, grieve and honor what was, to live with thanksgiving in what is, and to invest in the hope of what will be.