worship

 It's been a 92 hour day kind of long, and I should be in bed because tomorrow is a doozy as well.

But I brewed a pot of coffee instead and I'm sitting here alone, in the finally quiet, with you.

Every night at 8:30, you'd find Matt upstairs putting Ben and Nora to bed, and me on the couch by the Christmas tree, surrounded by four tweenage girls and a baby on my lap. They sit waaaay too close, almost on top of each other and pressing in on me. They giggle way too loud, interrupt each other with stories that make little sense and share way too many details, their hair is wet and often they braid one another as we sit. When they all settle down I read a Bible passage and devotional thought, often interrupted by a girlie thought, and then they each share ways I can pray for them. I do, hands on them all, too long I know they think, and then they head off for bed (slow as herding cats). 

Tonight it was the story of Martha, Mary. Martha's worship, turned bitter and spoiled, Mary's worship unmarred. Tonight it was extra sweet.

Tonight--bleared eyed from little sleep last night and an entire day at the doctor and then in the ER, with homeschool and pick ups and meal plans in between--tonight she wrote: 

Worship begins when we bow our hearts before Jesus and trust Him for all that we can't fix on our own...which, as it turns out, is everything.  The antidote to a worried heart is a worshipful one. He sees you--right in the midst of all your cares and concerns. He sees you between service and surrender, worry and worship, and He invites you to choose that which is better. 

Last night I knew Nora wasn't ok. It was the fifth day in a row she'd chosen couch over bike, chair over friends. Throughout the evening her fever began and rose, and she complained again as she has dozens of times over the past two months of her stomach hurting. 

But I had taken her to the ER, weeks ago, remember?  The doctor, 3 times. An ultrasound. A whole day in the ER. There was nothing wrong. It was just some stomach bug, just the remnants, just trying to recover.

I stayed up till midnight watching over her, wondering if I should take her to the ER, AGAIN. Make them, look at her, again. I finally called the pediatrician on call. They called me back at midnight, said if she was sleeping to leave her be, and take her to the doctor in the morning.

We homeschooled till they could fit us in, 10 am, and the pediatrician told me to take Ben and Emma home and get her to the hospital. 

Hours and tests and scans later, and we all learn that her little appendix long-ago ruptured, who knows when, and a large abscess of infection grown over its place, trying to block the rest of her now scrawny body from the toxicity of the appendix. 

Dear girl's been sick sick, a while now. The stomach bug from five weeks ago?  The flu with vomitting and fever two weeks ago when everyone else had achy coughs? Probably not the flu.

These days ahead are heavy...antibiotics, surgery, waiting, more surgery. Girlie in the hospital and six more at home...lots to manage, lots to love well, impossible to love them all well at all the same time! 

Our beloved Dawn met me at the hospital and held down the fort at home with Ninja Ben. Julie picked up the girls at school. John brought Lily home after work. Two dear friends brought dinners, three more are helping with school runs in the morning...youth group...meals....so many friends texted and called, so many ready to help.

This has been the hardest season. 

I want it to be over now.

And yet.

Worship begins when we bow our hearts before Jesus and trust Him for all that we can't fix on our own.

I have been reminded in this season like NONE other that I am in charge of NOTHING. I cannot fix ANYTHING.

I didn't even know my precious girl had a ruptured appendix. I made her carry her laundry downstairs yesterday while she was crying, because I thought she was just trying to get out of her job :(

I will not be moved in this season, whether I would have rather skipped it entirely or not, because I have never before spent so much time bowing my heart, nor so much time having to trust Him....seeing Him trustworthy. I've never before had SO VERY MUCH that I so obviously CANNOT fix or even touch, and yet today reminds me that even in my TOTAL incompetance and smallness, HE IS AT WORK and HE IS WATCHING OUT and He is caring for my burdens. He is sending people, filling gaps, providing, helping. He is giving what is needed and faithful to His promises. He has sent us more love and care and concern today from people who have no reason to care for us!  He is answering and working through prayers beyond what we have asked. 

I have always been Martha, and He SEES me. Tozer says that we are called to an everlasting preoccupation with God, and man. This season has pulled me out of the kitchen I love and put me on the ground at His feet, eyes fixed on His face. 

If that's worship, I'm worshipping. 

These next hard days, tomorrow as my dad meets with specialists to figure out what else to do when nothing is working, tomorrow as Nora undergoes her first surgery, I trust Him.

All your love and prayers and unmerited grace look so much like Him, it reminds me.