in the midst of her

I've been up frequent and forlorn and battling for hope over helplessness the last few nights...baby girl is having such a time sleeping and eating, with such a stuffy little nose. Her watery eyes just break your heart. My mind is swirling, anyway, battling for answers and help.

Trying to take advantage of the awake hours, I've been filling our nights and home with prayers, but yesterday morning around 3 am found me so discouraged.

Pat, pat. Soothe, soothe.  Upstairs with Tylenol, downstairs for juice. Rock, rock, collect more tissues. Pray for my father. Pray for my kids, especially the ones who have suffered such unspeakable pains, pray for hurting friends. Keep it together.

Repeat.

3:45, I had a text from Julie...the friend I never wanted to stop living next to, in Northern Ireland. 

'God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in times of trouble.' I can imagine you feel like the earth is giving way right now. Praying for you.  'God is in the midst of her, she shall not be moved...'

I played that phrase over and over, picturing God "in the midst" of me, what that means.

The image of myself full of holes quickly came to mind, transparent and hole-y and crumpled and frail...and God flowing through, around, in between me. Me, totally weak and useless and frail...able to be blown away with one breath, and yet Him so present and powerful and mighty and moving that I am stable and strong and unmovable. 

I quit trying to sleep--just getting frustrated with kids-feeling-cruddy interruptions--and went for my Bible...the image still playing in my mind.

God in the midst of me, I shall not be moved.

I pulled open Psalm 46, and the next line met me like a personal letter from God for this exact moment.

God is in the midst of her,

she will not be moved;

God will help her when the morning dawns.

You know, His word has never given me quite the solutions I'm looking for.

Never promises me a specific outcome I've been looking for, never granted me my three wishes, never promised to fix this situation...to change this person...to heal this sickness...to fix this broken...to provide this sought after thing.

But man alive, does His Word give me exactly what I need. 

What I need, these fearful, dark dawns...is for God to be in the middle and to help me.

The very thing He has promised to do.

Send out His Word, family, eat it up. Find in it our food and drink, share it freely with one another...needing no reframing, no "sensitivity" to the hour at hand, no adjusting to fit whatever situation.  His promises are what we need, His promises are never, ever, left hanging, short, or forgotten.

Cease striving and know that I am God;

The Lord of hosts is with us.