This is hard.
There is a lot of hard right now.
I know I'm tired. I know there is a lot on my plate. I know the tears coming so quickly these days make sense.
But I am realizing that opening my hands to receiving all the many things we have received this season has also meant letting go of some dreams, some plans, some things that are painful to let go of. Open hands are open hands...can't take what God's giving without letting go, too.
Embracing this season means letting go of what I thought this season would be...where I thought I would be this time in my life...freedoms, plans, hopes, dreams, independence, creativity, travel. Money I now thought we'd have this season in life for extras has been stretched instead on nine living on one income. Places we've been waiting to go...and we can't leave the state, and someday when we can, where are we going to go with nine people? Instead of more freedoms, I have a baby I can't leave for more than 45 minutes and who is up all night, and we can't leave the house if Matt's not home because we can't all fit in the car. I wanted to be doing more ministry at Emmaus, at church, in our community, and instead I'm doing more than full-time ministry all at home, and can't help but feel a bit like the world is passing me by.
Moving to this new home and community is the right thing for the family we now have...but leaving this home and community we love hurts. If I couldn't get two seconds before, I now have a sweet girlie or dear Ben needing or wanting my attention every. single. moment...I don't even have enough of myself TO give away. If I had very little to myself before, it is gone...gone is my time with Matt, my time for me, any hope of writing or hobbies or sleep or freedoms. The places I want to be a good friend to others, where I want to be cooking for, sitting with and helping others, instead I am needing it from others, with very little capacity to give back. My conversations are all about sharing, patience, putting one another in each other's shoes, working through past traumas and pain, about kindness, oh, over and over. My life is entirely lost in these dear ones this long season, and it is good and holy work, but costly...like all the best work is.
A good friend popped in this morning to talk about church, and when I found myself crying, again, she shared with me an analogy that I'm really relating to today.
You've been planning to go to Italy, and saving to go to Italy, and researching going to Italy, and dreaming of Italian food...and you pay the price and pack your bags and get on the plane, and instead of Italy, the pilot lands in Holland.
And Holland is good, and it has beautiful tulips, awesome cheese markets, beautiful canals, and the Lord is there. But if you had planned to see the ancient ruins of Italy and have homemade pasta, being in Holland is hard. And you've got to let Italy go if you're going to be at peace and enjoy Holland, and I just am claiming all that for today.
What is true : when I got on the airplane for Italy, it wasn't for vacation. It was as a missionary...and so as I work through all the changes, at least I am still on mission!
Lord, help me be grace-laced and searching for the tulips today. To be accepting and embracing where You have landed me, instead of where I thought we were going. Take my desires, take my time, take my kitchen and my neighborhood, take our finances and our freedoms and our plans. Give us Holland, if that brings you glory, and hearts that let ourselves go freely and fully.
What are you letting go of today (tears allowed, I've decided) in order to embrace what God is putting before you?
Philippians 2:17, ESV: Even if I am to be poured out as a drink offering upon the sacrificial offering of your faith, I am glad and rejoice with you all.
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