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17 June 2022

exercises in faith

Ben's birth in Haiti, in the middle of political tension and in the end without a hospital, was a huge stepping out on faith experience, one I will always remember by sleepless nights fighting "what-ifs" and panic, and the Lord bringing me to a place of stepping all the way out on Him. He turned that faith journey into a beautiful thing, and I'm trusting Him with the same right now.

How in the world we went from four >done< children 9 months ago to having a baby due the 19th and a permanency hearing on the 20th for two more, I do not know. I don't know how God got us here, except one day at a time, and as I've been waiting and expecting this baby to come, early like the rest did, suddenly we are here and I'm up at night again...

I always deliver early. The doctor expected me to deliver early. I prayed weeks ago to have this baby, and that would have fit my plan quite well.

And here we are, due date this weekend, still no baby, still six kiddos at home, with daily phone calls informing us that this will the last of several dozen court cases over the course of four years, that Monday is guaranteed to be an awfully hard day, and two kiddos who very much so want us to be there...and I'm realizing that perhaps Emma-girl is running late for a reason. 

Maybe trusting the Lord this time is loving those He's given us with open hands and no answers or deadlines...maybe trusting the Lord this time is trusting that the timing on things I can't control might just be HIS perfect timing on things HE can? So.

Maybe we're not having this baby early like all the rest, even though I'm old and it's making the doctor nervous (the doctor who prayed with me today and said, "we're gonna do this after Monday, and the Lord's gonna have to take care of it"). Maybe that's part of God's good (even though it doesn't feel good) plan. Or, maybe not. Maybe she'll come this weekend, and Matt will head to court alone, or maybe someone else will be with me in delivery and Matt'll come when he can. And maybe Monday will resolve or conclude this leap of faith with these two precious kiddos, and maybe it will not. Maybe it'll be brutal, and maybe it'll be better than everyone is expecting...maybe He'll be and give what is needed, and maybe I don't even know what that is. 

I don't even know what that is, or when what is best.

I do know that I'm giving myself wide-eyed hours, and that He's asking me to trust Him and hold onto His peace, which sometimes is more work than worrying is.

So, as Greg would say, "what is the Lord teaching you?" 

That waiting for answers, for babies, for plans, can all boil down to just waiting on Him.  And waiting on the Lord? It is the only kind of waiting that can be done with His perfect peace, if we chose it.

Beautiful friends have been bringing dinner, praying with and for us, and offering help in lots of ways, and I'm so incredibly grateful to be seen and known by Him through them, through you.

Waiting on Him, and relishing your prayers.



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