taste and see

It was a hard day in Haiti today, and I don't know how long it'll take for that not to mean a hard day for the Ayars. It was almost impossible to keep my mind on the many tasks at hand when my heart was so heavy on home. When they're hurting, I'm hurting, too, but I'm not there for them and we all know it, it feels so...hard and very lonely. 

All the hard was easier to bear when we were all in it together.

Today they are all in it together, and I am watching. They ask me to pray for them. 

As if I could do anything else today, in and out as I folded clothes and counted out difficult piano measures and corrected the division of fractions and searched out another m&m for our finally potty-trained boy.  Breathed in and out prayers as we wandered the children's museum with friends, finally getting Nora to their new DocMcStuffins display, watching Ben find every station that had a ball, laughing with Holly over Lily and Isabella being tweenagers with tight prayers in my chest. Prayed for Haiti underneath every prayer tonight at small group, lifting up so many broken places here and there alike and wondering how there is ever enough Grace to cover ALL that is needed.

It's been a busy week trying to wrap up the school year here at home and prepare for the longest road trip yet next week. Spending precious time with cherished friends. Trying, trying (failing, failing) to stay on top of the house and laundry and dishes and meals and little arguments and accidents and lessons. Wishing I could do and be so much for so many I dearly love, so much more for the many who need help right now.

I'm the father dear-girl in small group cried over tonight...wasn't all he should have been, didn't do what he should have done, broke her heart and breaks it still and all I can share through her tears is that no one'll ever care for her like Jesus. Her dad messed up, but her Father never failed. 

My mom left us 18 years yesterday, a thousand and thirty-three gaps to date, but the Lord, He never has, and in Him no gap is found.  My husband forgot to remember, made me lonely, unintentional, but the God we share has never let one thing drop, never been any shadow of unintentional. 

A family I love I've let down again and again, and when they're standing, I'm not there, standing with them. 

I'm among the messer-uppers, the letter-downers, the unfaithful, the departed, the short-handed, the far-offers, the disappointing, no matter how hard I try nor what my intentions. 

Yet the Most High is not among us--

altogether different.

How good that is tonight.