not alone

About a month ago, the week before the kids and I went to Haiti, the Lord let me in on a humbling moment that is still resounding true today.

As news of another kidnapping in Haiti hit my newsfeed that morning, I felt another pang in my stomach: danger, danger. unwise. no security. no help. travel. with kids. alone. what if? ALONE.  

As I vacuumed, I was com-praying about the same thing, again. More emphasis on the complaining than the praying. 

Lord, I REALLY don't want to go alone. I know you've opened these doors for THIS timing, and I'm thankful that you've been clear and Matt's been alongside and everything has pointed to now. But surely there was someone else who was supposed to go with me. Surely I'm not supposed to actually have to do this...the drive, the travel, the work, the kids...ALONE.  I don't want to go ALONE!

I had prayed it dozens of times before. 

But this time, right as I prayed, I don't want to go alone, I felt this Spirit led, surprising, powerful, pinching pang.

Not in my stomach this time, not even in my heart.

I felt it in HIS heart.

Suddenly, it was like I was talking to my best friend, and had just said, "I just really wish I had a best friend to talk to"...and then realized what I said totally neglected and hurt them.

For all the times I told the Lord I didn't want to go alone, I never really understood until that very moment that I would NOT be going alone. 

That the Faithful One had already promised to go with me. And that somehow, despite that, I kept telling Him over and over again that that wasn't really enough for me...I wanted someone different. I wanted someone MORE.  

More real? More helpful? More able?

ouch.

Feeling the hurt of the Lord hit me hard, and I had to turn the vacuum off to spend a few quiet and convicted moments at His feet.

That moment made all the difference.

It turned my complaining into gratitude, for the BEST one for the job was WITH me. 

When I needed help those 2 weeks + five days of travel, listen to me family. He TRULY helped me. 

When I needed a travel companion, when I needed safekeeping...When I needed a friend, an ear, a hand, a helper, a comforter, (even an eye on Ben when he leaned after a ball and fell into the pool without me even knowing) God truly, truly helped me. 

Sometimes He used other people. Sometimes He didn't. 

I did not go alone, not in the least. 

And going without another person really caused me to NOTICE and ask for and depend heavily upon the LORD...a continual state of sweetness that I will always remember and thank Him for. 

Today, I look at all the beautiful pictures of mamas with their mamas, and I wish I had a memory, a picture, even a fleeting moment of MY mom with MY children.  Matt is safely and happily in Haiti, and I am both so thankful he can be there and wishing he could be here today, too.  

Alone on Mother's Day? several people sweetly observed at church this morning, and this time, today, that's just not true. 

I am not alone on Mother's Day. I did not go alone to Haiti. 

You are not alone today.

Friend. 

This thing you are going through. 

You may be in the middle of the wilderness with a rejected Hagar, hungry and thirsty and sure that you are watching that which is dearest to you dying, slow and painful.

And He sees you. And He hears you. 

And God intimately understands every painful detail, injustice, dream, fear, danger, reality, heartbreak...and HE IS THERE.

He is waiting for us to take notice, friend. He is waiting for us to call upon Him. To ask. To listen. To depend.

He sees, He does. And He hears, every silent word.

But more, He cares.

And dang it, if He could take Hagar's dying, weirdly obtained child and turn him into a nation, if He could help me with every single aspect of traveling internationally alone in a time of covid and fear in Haiti and the world...even helping me with our bags...goodness. He is so ready to be our HELP and ANCHOR, our Friend in time of need.  Our Hand That Is Not Too Short.

We are NOT alone.  

And if we are tempted to believe that we are, today, is it possible that we are hurting Him?