one for the books

Today was one for the books. 

The Lord just took my whole perspective, my private prayers, even my personal frustrations, and turned them around. He gave me so specifically so much of what I needed today that there is a part of me that feels like even if He never shows up again, I'm good. 

The one tasting and seeing today was ME.

I struggled to sleep last night: my spirit was so heavy,  sleeping in a loud place I've never slept (our home is so happily overflowing that we are staying in the visitor apartment in the men's dorm), the spider predicament detailed on instagram, and a big, long-awaited meeting set to happen first thing this morning.

I woke up to bubbly children and sunshine feeling sluggish and heavy.

Despite His reassurance last night that He is more than enough for the dear ones around me, mama was still struggling with feelings of such inadequacy and inability, doubt, discouragement and impossibility. 

My morning devotions reminded me that seeds sown for Him, with perseverance and faith, take root, and so I headed into our meeting asking the Lord to help me persevere, to persevere like HE does...despite the hardships of Haiti, despite the struggles of distance, despite my inabilities. 

Immediately, behind closed doors, I saw how heavy our leadership is. The trials of Haiti that discourage me discourage them far deeper. This is their home, their children's home, their future. Personal trials, deaths, and hardships have hit heavy these past several months. Some major and unexpected events have added to the load and concerns. Budgets are so shoestring that it's easy to be frustrated. 

As the innermost was shared...that which could not be put in all the email exchanges, that sacred space which zoom could never foster... I could visibly see the crushing weight.

Everyone is doing their very best...and it seems to not be enough. 

That same sentiment I shared with the Lord last night was shared today..and what I trusted to the Lord last night was vocally entrusted, echoed today by my brothers.

And instead of feeling heavy, as I did last night and this morning, I felt the Lord lift my chin and overcome my burden so that I could shoulder some of theirs. 

His grace met me and I was able to overflow it...I was able to speak His peace. I was able to point back to similar times when the Lord was faithful. I was able to offer help in some places, and to add my prayers to others. I was able to sit beside, to listen and nod, to point to Jesus, and lift up my voice in prayer for a few of the kingdom's front line workers. 

A plan was made, far more than two weeks worth of work planned and papered.  I headed out to an abandoned, dusty office to get to work, and Claudin immediately walked past my door.

I have longed to see him since Josie died in February, but despite two months to formulate the right words, I finally faced him today empty handed.

We talked about the kids...his mom has moved in, she is helping them. We talked about each of their understandings of losing their mom, and he shared with me the conversations, the questions, the child-like pain, the child-like faith. I kept it together and so did he, and when he said the kids are doing well, that they are going to be ok, he meant it.

But there was a but in his voice.

One single tear started to slide down his cheek as he spoke about him. About how desperately he misses his wife's precious friendship. About how perfectly partnered he was with his best friend, his ministry partner, his parenting team...about her servant nature, about her humble and hard-working spirit, about his precious wife and all they had overcome, about all the places his dear mom helping with the kids and house cannot fill.  

For years Matt and I have spoken about what a precious and godly team Claudin and Josie are, and as he echoed all that he knows I know, our tears just poured, staff and students passing by, the halls of Emmaus a safe place, so many tears there for one another, already shed.

I know the Lord has plans for my good, he said soft and firm, faithfully, a declaration I have heard Josie say from the bed of her dark bedroom before, babies lost and battles surrendered.

The bell rang for chapel and off we went with wet faces, a rendezvous set for tomorrow after work to go visit the kids.

How rich to walk into the little chapel in the center of it all at Emmaus, music already starting to flow, the sacred hour set aside in the middle of the day again and again for praise and prayer and worship and Gospel.  How I've missed, as we sang, the daily interruption of corporate and personal focus on the Lord. It was so rich to sit among my brothers and sisters and to sing the songs I've sung a thousand times and tucked away.

No one is complaining, I thought of my weary words last night, because look at the praising.  Believers in Haiti genuinely trust that the Lord has plans for their good, because HE SAYS HE DOES, and genuinely believe that He is therefore worthy to be praised in all circumstances.

They taught me, showed me again... my spirit was lifted by the Lord again, for He is to be trusted, and kings and gangs and even death cannot thwart God's good for His people, His people that He loves so much more, so much better than I. My compassion is not greater than His own.

It was time for Erwens to preach, but President Guenson got up instead, and said word for word what I have prayed we might be for weeks.  

Perhaps you have noticed since yesterday there is a fresh force of energy, of encouragement, of joy on the campus. We have been needing encouraged, and you all see that some of our family is here to help and to be with us, to pray with us and to persevere.

My prayer from this morning rose in my heart, even that I might persevere, that He might use the mustard- seed-miniscule we offer in Him to encourage.

He finished with something I've been thinking about all day, and there were tears in my eyes again, not because the words were good, but because the Lord is.

I thought about it as I sat at lunch with Gertha and the kids, while she caught me up on life and told me of how, the week that Josie died, the Lord clearly led her to go and see her. About how she found Josie so sick that she could not rise from her bed, and how Gertha had bathed her children, got them dressed, and braided her daughter's hair, only to hear two days later that Josie was gone. The week that Josie died, my sister Gertha who did NOT know Josie, went to her home and cared for her and her children because the Lord SENT her...the Lord covered my gap and did through Gertha exactly what I have grieved for two months that I did not do.

I thought about it as I held 10 day-old Ezechiel and sat with Esther on her couch today, still in twisting pain just days after a horrific delivery and week in the hosptial, listening quietly to her soft and timid voice as she talked through every shuddering detail, finding some healing in sharing her birth story over chocolate Easter eggs.  I wasn't there, but I was today, and He was there, both.

I thought about it as I watched Sofie and Christie play with Yasha and Christherlie, scooping them up and mothering their baby chicks, overjoyed to be together, three tired mamas at rest for a few moments.

I thougth about it as Gues found her way to our apartment after dinner and caught me up on her, and told me a powerful story of miraculous healing in her life just last month...an insanely expensive and risky surgery unable to be paid for, the Lord healing her completely and surely...an injustice and suffering that the LORD totally covered over, miraculously healed, and redeemed.  

What did Gueson say? He said that we know when we are in a difficult time who loves us.

I have hated for Haiti another difficult time...for her people, the challenges that surround them.

But we know when we are in a difficult time who loves us...and how powerfully each person I have encountered today has testified of His great love.

His great love that leaves no room for complaining or doubt. His great love that lifts and shares burdens. His great love that endures separation and overcomes death. His great love that heals wounds and moves miracles.

In the heartaches of His children, might I learn to trust Him.

I realized anew today that the places I have been wanting to work, have been unable to work, have been too small, too short to work, He has been working. He is working.

It is in our suffering that His Great Love is all that is left...and it never fails.