things I'm not very good at

There are a LOT of things I'm not very good at, and sometimes stepping away really brings those things to the surface. 

I am NOT GOOD at directions, EVER, anywhere.  I can't find anything, even if I have found it 100 times.  I remember my mom drawing Columbus for me over and over and over, trying to help me understand HOW to get to school or work or the mall, and me finally just saying to her exasperation, "MOM, is it the turn after the place we used to pick strawberries, or the one where that big tree got hit by lightning?"

Last night was nice and cool, and as the sun was setting I went on a long walk by myself, remembering that same mom who died 15 years ago yesterday, and wandered off the road just to walk around this lake, which resulted in me having good time with Jesus...and getting very very lost in the dark far from home.

The cell phone age is good for me, even if using it is another one of those things I am NOT good at. 

Change.  Change is something I'm not very good at, making traveling five very different places in five weeks, all outside of the country that has become our home, very difficult.  Unfortunately, Lily also struggles with change, and together we try to keep up and slow our minds down and not give in to worry.  We check our planners and chose one day at a time, and try.  Just the last 10 days have included all of this...

...and all the beauty of the people within each world, adding "saying good-bye's" to my list of things I am NOT good at.  Our moments with each person, friend and family member are so rare and far between that I heap piles of pressure on each moment being perfect and full and deep...Matt often looking at me with his, "Stop being a crazy person and let it be what it is!" eyes.  

I'm not good at gracing ourselves.  

I want us to be able to do all of this, be all these places, see all these people, speak all these services, sleep in all these beds, and have our suitcases be organized, our kiddos be polite and happy, I want ourselves to be full of energy and grace and joy, and get frustrated when we just cannot seem to get it together.  I'm frustrated when Nora is sick, again, when Matt is exhausted, when Lily is grouchy, when Sofie bursts into tears without reason.

"Mom, I cried when I shouldn't have and I don't even know why," she sobbed on our borrowed bed, pulling her brand new earrings from her little ears, "and Aunt Sharon JUST gave me these earrings, and then I was crying!  Give them back to her.  I shouldn't get them!"

Her wild outburst and broken heart broke me down entirely the other day, and I started crying over her thinking she had to deserve Aunt Sharon's love, Aunt Sharon's birthday earrings.  Which made me realize that I get to thinking that, too...All the great and generous love we receive I'm always trying to merit, even knowing it to be impossible.  Grace and I, we struggle on.

When we ARE finally with friends and family, I am not good at RESTING, because it feels selfish or something to spend time snoozing or watching tv when we are so rarely together...so the five kiddos and Grammy and PopPop sleeping yesterday reminded me that THIS is good, too.

Matt's brother's family doesn't do Haiti, and Lucia and Laura were gone the last two times we came through Florida, so it had been WAY too long since we'd seen them.  I love watching all the kiddos together, and there are obviously some similarities between Sofia and Lucia's smiles :)  

The thing I'm worst at lately, however, has been sleeping...waking up in the middle of the night for one of the girls, from being in strange places, or from Ben kicking me, and being unable to go back to sleep, all the worries of the world suddenly feeling so heavy and real.

Can I do everything that needs done this next four weeks?  Can I meet the needs of my kiddos during this crazy time?  Can I be what Matt needs, can I keep on with Ben getting bigger and bigger and suitcases getting harder and harder to get down to, can I keep up with all these emails from home, can I get back to Haiti at 38 weeks in good health, can I NOT gain 15 pounds of ice cream weight this month, can Ben wait till the doctor comes to Haiti, can I deliver this baby with no medical intervention or pain intervention and no air conditioning, do I have what it all takes?

As the questions start swirling at 4 am, I am learning that it's best to get up and pull out my Bible, the only voice strong enough to calm the dark-time worries being His own. I wouldn't be strong enough to make it one day in this world without our Father, and being unable to make it one night lately without HIS truth and reassurance is not a bad thing.

With all these issues of mine, He keeps it simple.  

I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through His Spirit.

Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust him.

Your roots will grow down into God's love and keep you strong.

Eph 3:16-17

It is AS I trust Him, and not before, that Christ dwells within me.  It is AS I grow in God's unmerited love and grace that I am kept strong.

What more do I need these next days more than His close presence and His strength? 

As I choose to trust Him, He will dwell.

As I root into His love, He will keep me strong.

With Christ at home in my heart...I am not lost.  I am not in a state of change.  There are no good-byes, and grace, grace is abundant.  There is rest, there is enough, there is what I need for today.  With this Word alone, as I trust Him, He takes over all my questions as the answer, leaving behind His strength...just what I needed.

Praise the Lord, today and tomorrow and wherever is next, because that which I need the most is exactly what He's offering, as we trust.

Do we trust Him?  

Even there, like the father in Mark 9, we find His help. Those places where we are truly lacking today, He is.  Let's grow down.