the miracle of 4000 gourdes short

A few weeks ago, one of our grad/friend/pastor/brothers, Enick, came by Emmaus for his monthly catch up in the computer lab, catch up with his friends and co-workers at Emmaus, and to get fed by the same ladies who were feeding him 10 years ago when he was still a student.
His church is incredibly distant and remote, several miles to the right of the Seminary, and his family lives in town, several miles to the left of the Seminary, so when he "comes down", he comes by.

I'm always so thankful he does, because spending 20 minutes with Enick fills you with burden and blessing and encouragement and conviction for Haiti all over again.  He is inspiring, to say the least.

After he graduated in 2009, his pastor asked him to please take over pastoring his mountain church, needing to attend more to his city church. Enick spoke to us about it at the time, greatly hesitant.  It was SO remote, incredibly hard to get to, incredibly poor, incredibly rooted in the old ways, incredibly void of any honor or glory, pay or even much provision.

The people were hungry, and he often would be, too.  The houses were woven sticks, at best, and his "parsonage" would be half of one of the classrooms of the school, where he would sleep on the floor behind a sheet, and need to pack up during the day for 50 students to fill.  His pay would be a tiny portion of the tiny tithe...if there was.  No electricity, no water, no road, no cell reception, hiking for over an hour any time he came down...

He was hesitant, to say the least.  But Enick is a man of prayer, and he prayed and said he knew he needed to do it...for two years, so keep looking for a permanent pastor, because THAT is just not the kind of mission field you can DO for very long, and soon he'd want a wife and kids, and they couldn't live in a place like that.  But for now.

That story sounds strangely familiar.

This is his tenth year at Coup-a-David, and two or three times a year we get up when it's still dark and hike the hills to join him, always so blessed to walk to church with many others from surrounding mountains, many walking further than us, blessed to watch Enick pray and preach and lead and serve,  blessed to pray with him and blessed to see how God has truly woven him into God's TRANSFORMATION of this mountain top and dozens of villages around it.

So I couldn't help but feel saddened a few weeks ago when he pulled up the chair across from my desk and said, "Stace, this summer I decided I was DONE.  It would be SO much easier to live in town, I've had lots of better job offers over the years, the spiritual warfare on the mountain continues, there are many hard-hearted people, it's daily way harder than I ever thought it would be, and most of all, do you know that I need? I mean, I really NEED 5000 gourdes a month to live ($80 USD) and did you know that on GOOD months I am lucky to receive 1000 gourdes? ($16/month). I mean, I know everyone is giving what they can, but how can I support my fiancé once we get married on that?  How can I continue to live on that?  I'm tired of living on that.  Life in Coup-a-David is So. Hard.  And this summer, I was facing those difficulties one after another and felt deeply discouraged and sad."

I was working hard to follow his verb tenses, wanting to understand if he was telling me that he was done, or telling me that he had considered this summer being done.  All of my heart was screaming, "You cannot be done! We can see God at work in you there mightily, those are your people, your are their pastor! We must persevere!"

But I waited patiently (I know...this is rare) for him to finish hoping for more clues as to what his final outcome was.

"You know what, Stace?" he finally said, shaking slightly as he always does when he stops on his way down from the mountain from lack of eating and hours in the sun.

"I had my eyes fixed on all those problems, and I kept thinking, I need 5000 gdes a month, and I only get 1000.  I NEED 5000 a month, and I only get a thousand, and when I kept fixing on that, the ONLY logical decision was to STOP.  When my eyes were on my pain, I wanted it. to. stop."

"I am so thankful," he said now grinning, "That God had grace for me in that conclusion this summer.  He didn't punish me for resolving to quit His work, He didn't get angry with me for fixing my eyes on my pain instead of on Him."

"But then one day when my mind was made up, and I started thinking about how much easier life was going to be now, I justified to the Lord again that I only received 1000 gdes a month when I needed 5 to live on, and God abruptly interrupted me."

How much do you need to live a month again, at the very least to survive?

Five thousand, Enick reminded God.

And how much a month have you been surviving on for 10 years?

One thousand, Enick responded.

And for how many years have I been performing that miracle?

Enick stopped and finally fixed His eyes on God.

"NOT the God withholding from me by only providing 1000 gdes a month," he said, "But the God who PROVIDED for me the last 10 years every single thing that I needed, and more.  He raised up many to feed me, He touched hearts to provide what I needed when I needed it, and many times He provided things without using people at all!  The God who has brought me this God-fearing, Coup-a-David loving finance.  The God who has fed me, with NO money, every day for 10 years.  The God who has provided every gourde we ever needed, who has cast out demons and healed the dying and answered with many miracles and taken 1000 and made it 5000 again and again as only HE can."

"As soon as I took my eyes off my pain and fixed them back on God, I realized that it's BECAUSE of all of that pain that God has been able to be GREAT and MIGHTY.  It was THROUGH these pains and hardships that God has been able to work his miracles.  It is through the frustrations and the difficulties that God has been GREAT."

"And my great God isn't finished with me yet. And if He's provided so far for my needs and my heart and my hurts and my pain, He's not going to stop now.  So I trust Him.  So that was my summer.  How was your summer?"

I was thinking through his story the rest of the day, and it's come to me many times since.

I'm a DEEP feeler...my overly sensitive heart is almost ALWAYS tempted to dwell on my pains.

How easy it is to fix our eyes on the lack, on the pains, and make our decisions out of motivation to relieve it.  It even sometimes feels like peace, doesn't it, the deep relief of having that pain alleviated! We have fixed it for ourselves with our own common sense, how often missing out on the miracles of filling the gap He had in store.

And as the hurts of the last several weeks have pinched and tugged and twisted my focus, I'm trying to learn from Enick's summer and example, and lift my eyes above the waves.

Does it feel like you need 5000, and yet life and loved ones and coworkers and circumstances and your best efforts keep coming up crazy sort?  Do you feel ready to move on, because it's harder than you'd ever thought, because it makes a lot more sense, because you're tired?  Does the idea of moving on from this burden of family or work or ministry or friendship or outreach or discipleship or problem God has called you to sound relieving?

I feel you.  And it must be why He tells us So. Many. Times. in His Word to be strong and courageous and to be of good courage...not because He needs any Supermans and Wonderwomans for His Work, but because He knew our hearts to be easily laden, He knew our eyes can easily catch on the 4000 gourdes short in our hands.

But.  If we'll persevere, if we will be of good courage, if we will trust, if we will lift our eyes off our issues and onto Where Our Help Comes From, He's got 5000 mouths to feed with those 2 fish, He's got miracles of making it up in His mind, He's got MORE than provision for the MORE than lack...for our hearts, for our heads, for our hands.  

Praising the Lord for Enick's example, praising the Lord for being THAT kind of Lord, praising the Lord for knowing, knowing exactly what it is that I need, and that He IS.