the slightest trace

They've been gnawing at me all weekend...those little ugly things that get into your heart and mind that you don't want and didn't welcome, but can't seem to get rid of, and as you think of them more they grow and grow and by this morning I found my spirit heavy, opinionated, cynical, hurting.

I'd begged God through my devotional time to fix my mix of hurt and frustrated heart, but I was too undisciplined to spend the time last night I should have making sure all the shoes and ribbons and books and water bottles and everything we need to make Monday morning resemble something smooth were ready.  I quickly moved on to getting everyone ready to go, and found myself lacking the very grace Matt was reading to us all about in our family devotions.

Sofie's hair is her crowning glory...she LOVES that it is long, loves that she can sit on it, and uses it to complement all her fashion visions.  But this morning, we were late, I could NOT even come close to getting a comb through it, and braiding it in an acceptable school style through knot after knot, I had had ENOUGH.  Yes, that would be literally two hours into the start of a new week.  Go Mommy.

"Sofie, enough with this hair.  We're getting it cut.  It's a tangled mess and I've got to get ready to teach and you've got to get to school and I cannot! Even! Simply! Braid! It!  We're cutting it! Enough.  SIT STILL!"

cringe.

No one said anything as Sofie began to bawl, horrified and always dramatic.

You know what isn't the problem?  

Sofie's hair.  Monday morning.  Teaching at 8.  Getting the girls to two different schools in two different villages at two different times.  Fatigue.  Where the stinking left shoe is or why Nora is spreading hard-boiled egg ALL over the ONE and only carpet.

Those weren't the problem.

But I couldn't place what it WAS until I read O. Chambers devotional for the day again.

"Jesus Christ demands that His disciple does not allow even the slightest trace of resentment in his heart when faced with tyranny and injustice.  No amount of enthusiasm will ever stand up to the strain that Jesus Christ will put upon His servant.  Only one thing will bear the strain, and that is personal relationship with Jesus Christ Himself -- a relationship that has been examined, purified, and tested."

Breaking it down for myself, "Jesus Christ demands that His disciple does not allow even the slightest trace of resentment."

That's it.  That's my problem.

My heavy, cynical, ugly spirit and lack of grace this morning was a pile up of minor offenses and injustices that have hurt the last few days and weeks, that have pinched, that have frustrated, that have felt unfair, that have felt violating, that have deeply disappointed, that have eaten away HIS sovereignty, HIS opinion, HIS perspective in my heart.

Resentment.  It chokes and hurts and insults and harbors and grows and justifies, and quickly turns to unforgivenesses...little weights and whispers that are LIES and TRAPS.

And if we let them go and grow, it'll destroy the day, destroy the moments, destroy us.  Resentment has to be one of Satan's greatest tools.

It's WHY Jesus DOESN'T allow even the slightest trace in us, praise the Lord.  The great love He has for us to live in love and light and freedom doesn't allow for anything that destroys...He allows for no lies.

I finished my class, a few hours of singular and plurals and prepositions and this vs. that practice, and finally packed it all up and did something I never do, just came home...while the girls were at school, while Nora was sleeping.

I love that He is quick to show us where we're off course when we ask, and some work-time with Jesus, forgiving and gracing and re-alingning and asking for His perspective was exactly what WAS needed...and Sofie even gets to keep her hair.

If the many unfairnesses, hurts and discouragements of life have been building up deep, know that it's not about forming a stiff upper lip or persevering through.  The only way we'll bear the strain of the many hard and unfair parts of life is by falling back on this relationship we have with the Judge, with the King, with the Healer, with the Comforter, with the Counsellor, who is ever-allowing that relationship to be tested...for our good.  For His glory.

Join me in giving Him those slightest traces of resentment that seek to destroy...He'll meet us there and is ready to help us forgive and heal and be WHOLE and holy.

Praise the Lord.