lots of learning

I guess you don't arrive until you ARRIVE, and so it should be expected that we'd always be learning.

I'm learning so much every day, it's no wonder I'm always finding gray hair and why we're all so tired by 8 pm!

But the main stuff I'm always learning over and over again?  That we are of great value to Him, and that He is to be trusted.  

In the small stuff, in the big stuff, in the stuff that feels like it matters so much, in the stuff that may not really matter much at all, in the stuff that we can control and in the way more stuff that we can't.

Try as I might, my years of mid-afternoon devotional times have finally fallen apart.  There are no more after-lunch naps, and it was getting lost in the crazy.  And I already told you about too-tired evenings.

So I had to face the facts, and I wasn't frankly sure He could be trusted.  Before everyone else wakes up was the only chance.  Unfortunately, before everyone else wakes up happens to be my VERY. FAVORITE. TIME to be asleep.  But I found Him asking me if I trusted Him with it...with my mornings, with my fatigue, with my time.

And so I took a baby step of faith, gave up my morning workouts, set my alarm for a horrific hour, and suddenly it seems strange that I WOULDN'T start my day like that, that I wouldn't see the sun rise with Him, that I wouldn't be starting my day in the Word.  It's been so good and rich, speaking with Him, reading His word, studying His heart...and I am no more tired than I ever was, and while I may be a bit more squiggy until I find a way to get working out back in...I'm closer to Him.  He was to be trusted.

Yesterday Nora and I had a big scare, which included me sitting RIGHT there, reading to Lily, and not noticing Nora unsteadily go 12 feet up the tree house ladder (with a concrete pad at it's bottom)...because I moved the chair blocking the babies from the ladder so I could SIT on it.  YES, that happened.  The students all silently stopped playing soccer and quietly one came to me, not wanting to scare her with a loud noise and cause her to fall.  It was all I could do not to panic as I walked slowly across the yard and up the ladder. As I got back out of bed last night, still feeling horrified over my stupidity and all the what-ifs...I was so thankful that these are HIS girls that He's got in His hands...which can be TRUSTED.

(the girls playing "Oregon Trail" in the yard today)

This has been a big week for riots in Haiti (transportation issues, new budgeting laws in the government, I'm sure other things, too) and of course every potentially devastating sweep of could-be hurricane in the vicinity is on everyone's radar.  But I am solidly confident that He is to be trusted, and I've seen too many miracles in the past days and every day to think that maybe this hurricane, maybe this riot, maybe this unsteady day or crashing wave is any different.  He is to be trusted. It's important that it looks like we DO.

I have far too many beautiful students this semester, bringing the classroom some 10-15 degrees hotter than the hallway, but He knows why they're here and what He's doing with them and is to be trusted.  He values them greatly and has His plans, and we will make room, find a way.

We are continuing to wait for lots of new babies with some precious mamas...He reminds me He is to be trusted.

The thing that threatened me most today was a negative report from Phida.  With residential classes finally underway, students are settling back into regular after-class evangelism and discipleship efforts.  As she's been leading teams throughout village after village, she found a particularly hard-hearted, "tet-DI" little community not too far from here.  We've been there before and always been turned away.  She began introducing herself and talking to people about her desire to tell them about the Father, and they quickly cut her off.

"Who sent you?" they asked warily.  Well, I've come to tell you about Jesus.  I work at Emmaus Biblical Seminary, and...

"You can go," she was quickly told.  "Until the Seminary does something for us, we're not interested in hearing what you have to say.  EBS has never done anything for us."

She tried again, but was pushed out, and headed to another community not a few minutes away where 8 people have come to follow Jesus the last four weeks.

As she was sharing this with me, it threatened to undo me.

Fears threaten to charge in: are we not doing enough?  What more should we be doing?  I'm failing miserably...I should be doing more, more until EVERY person is satisfied.   Frustrations threaten, too: Is it ever gonna be enough? What more could we possibly do? How many times have we taken the Gospel to these areas, only to be told that that's not what they really want? My defenses come in: What about 10 full time jobs in the community and community outreach and help in all the area churches and door to door evangelism and discipleship and bringing clinics to these villages and everyone charging phones at the guard shack and purchasing everything the seminary uses from these villages?

ME comes in.  And Me feels hurt and insufficient and frustrated and not enough.

But after I stewed on ME a little while (which has NEVER helped any of us out, people) I found Him asking me the same thing.  Do I trust Him?  Trust Him with that village?  Trust Him to show us and send us and equip us and focus us right where we need to be?  Trust Him with what we can do, and what we can't? Trust Him to be our enough? Trust Him with those who want Him...and those who don't?

I do.  I do.

So I'm learning.  Still, more.  Learning to get up too early, learning to leave the chair where it IS, learning to keep my eyes on Him when walking on water, learning to give Him the rough and the beautiful, learning to trample me and turn to Him.  Learning that we are of great value to Him, and therefore He can be trusted.

What have you been learning these days?