scared sacred

Last week, I was reading through a blog I read from time to time that featured some of today's most popular female Christian bloggers and writers.  The topic series was "Scared Sacred", and five different women wrote about what they are afraid of, and about how of fear can be used for victory if we refuse to let us defeat us.

The basic challenge was to determine that if we cannot master or overcome our fear, we must just simply make the choice to do things afraid.

One woman wrote about her fear of being fat.  Another about her fear that she is not smart enough.  Not being enough.  Being a fraud.  Not being accepted.  Working too much.  Messing up their kids.

I can relate to all that.  I get those fears.

They have all tempted or dominated my life at one point or another.

But as I was reading through those fears and the idea of them being sacred, I couldn't help but think about mine.  Think about yours.  

We're all adults here.  Or at least trying to be.  What are we afraid of?  What is holding us back?  What are we not fluently trusting Him with?  What do we still question?  What makes tears come to our throat unexpectedly and immediately?

I don't know if He told me or if I told me or if the truth just settled, but mine quickly became clear...

I'm afraid of being a disappointment.  

I'm afraid of disappointing.

Which is ironic, because I have all but mastered disappointing people every.  single.  day.

You'd think I'd accept it better.

I lost my mom right at the age when I was starting to notice her.  Right as I was beginning to realize that my MOM was a PERSON...that she had struggles...that she had burdens...that she was complicated and human and messy and beautiful...

Right when I finished the awful stage of being confident that I was NOTHING like her (and never was going to be!) and that she was NOTHING like me...

Right when I was beginning to realize that I was more like her than anyone I would ever meet, and that maybe I was proud of that...right when I was beginning to see her for who SHE WAS...and she was gone.

And as I continue to get to know my mom and understand more and more of who she was, I can see my great fear of disappointing others carved out in her life.

My mom cared immensely about others. It was one of her greatest beauties.

But we are so afraid of disappointing people, mom-in-me and I.

I want you to be blissfully content.  I want you to be radiant in Him.  I want you to be spoiled and loved on and appreciated and full of His joy.  I want you to see Christ in you like I do.  I want you to be happy.

I so badly want you to the be opposite of disappointed, that I will go to all lengths, nosinesses, bossiness, overstepping bounds, invasiveness and lay in bed awake at night concerned about you.

Concerned that you might be disappointed.  That perhaps I have let you down.  That maybe you feel less than loved, or are unhappy, or that I am not doing enough.  Afraid that I am a disappointment to you.

The most discouraging and dark days are the ones in which it is clear I have disappointed.  My biggest burdens, situations I cannot remedy or bless.  The biggest relationship heartbreaks, the ones I cannot please, no matter WHAT.

This disappointment problem was greatly exaggerated upon coming to Haiti.  Number One: moving far away, not having a "real/normal" job, then having the audacity to have children here...all very disappointing.  Then, getting here, only to not be able to do all and give all that is wanted and needed.  Being told, constantly, that we are someone's only hope...and then letting them down.

Emails I didn't get back to, donors I totally failed to thank, a sweet action I totally overlooked, an accidental oversight, not saying the right things, doing the right things, not getting back to that student, not getting the numbers balanced, not getting dinner on the table on time, never getting the laundry pile unpiled...sigh.

Just this morning someone burst into my office and in broken English (which is always more harsh sounding than intended) said, "Let me tell you everything you have done wrong here.  I hope you will do better someday!"

I hope so, too, because I'm pretty sure I disappointed 10 more people between then and now.  Very quick to disappoint, this human is.

"So show me sacred," I found myself praying this afternoon.  "Show me what can be sacred out of this scared of mine...this fear, so often realized!"

Faithful, He shows me that SACRED is that my fear of disappointing others is actually my fear of letting others down...of not being perfect...of not being GOD.

Sacred is that I am no disappointment to HIM when I love.  As I'm loving.  And failing.  And loving some more.  Just like my own girls are no disappointment to me.

Sacred is that He died to set me free from being controlled by other's disappointment...or by the fear of it...or by the responsibility to make others happy.

Sacred is that He takes our hearts, not our gifts.  He is not interested in the cookies I make to bless, the conversation I try to initiate, the ways I try to reach out.  He is interested in my heart, in my heart.

Sacred is that I can be free from fear.

Sacred is that there is no failure in pure love given unto Him.

Sacred is that I am not God and He never asked me to be.


Hi, I'm Stacey.  And I'm afraid of disappointing you.  And until He overcomes that fear in me, I'm going to just keep on living life afraid.

But not the same.  I'm going to start claiming my SACREDs in the face of my scared, trusting Him to replace me with more of Himself.


Hash it out, family.  What are you afraid of?  If you don't know, ask your spouse or best friend to help you pinpoint.  

Ask Him what He can do with it...and let Him show us some sacred truths in the middle.

As always, I love to hear from you...reminds me we're all in this together.