stuffy breath prayers

I have been sick this week with sick kids, and man alive does it wear on your mind and heart! Short periods of sickness always enhance my prayers for our dear ones who struggle with chronic illness, and remind me that what He says He will do and what He says we should do doesn't CHANGE when we're under the weather. Sickness always reminds me how often and where I draw and depend on my own strength...and it is far too much. 

It's why when I can't push, I get so down and discouraged, fickle follower! How I need You, NOT only when I can't do it on my own, but always.

Breath praying has been my foggy-minded friend, breathing out my people, my concerns, my gaps, and breathing in reminders of His goodness. 

Lord, I give my burdens to you...you will take care of me. 

You are my grace...I trust You to help me. 

You are my shepherd...I have all that I need. 

You grace is all I need....You power works best in my weakness.

Meet Dawn in her prayers...I know that You are with her and moving. 

Walk with my sweet nieces...You see them and know and will be what they need.

Help Matt in all his many tasks...You know and see and help.

This is more than I can handle today...Walk with me one step.

I can't...You alone are God.

2 Corinthians 6

 If 2 Corinthians 6 isn't the list of expectations we have for Christian living (notice "happy and blessed" isn't stitched on this pillow), we will be frustrated in our Christ-following, thinking "this isn't what I signed up for" or "this isn't fair."

Now IS the day of salvation, and this IS what we have committed to as servants of God, both the suffering and the reward:

by great endurance

in afflictions

in hardships

in calamities

in beatings

in imporisonments

in riots

in labors

in sleepless nights

in hunger

by purity

by knowledge

by patience

by kindness

by the Holy Spirit

by genuine love

by truthful speech

by the power of God

with the weapons of righteousness

through honor and dishonor

through slander and praise

treated as impostors, yet are true

treated as unknown, yet well known

treated as dying, and yet we live

treated as punished, and yet not killed

treated as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing

treated as poor, yet making many rich

treated as having nothing, yet possessing everything

training

Matt got himself a Whippet puppy for Christmas, and again and again I find myself watching the long-legged little sponge and thinking, "You may not think you're training him right now, but we are. Everything we do with him and around him IS training him...just maybe not the way we would have wanted!"

One scrap of table food, and Miika at the table every meal. One morning letting him out of his crate extra early because he's whining, and the next morning he's whining earlier still. One whack from a cat, and he bows his head and puts his tail between his legs when one enters the room. 

Intentional or not, the way we wanted to or not, we are training him.

EXACTLY, the Lord reminds me. 

My attitude about doing the dishes or cleaning up vomit or with Matt...the children are observing and are learning something, whether I realize it or meant to or not. The way I talk about others. The way I talk about those who have hurt me. The way I regard the neighbor kids, the monotonous tasks, the weary days, the way I act when I'm sick. My kids and the many kids who trail them are being trained by waking up to mama at her desk reading her Bible, or by mama speaking poison when she's mad. How I respond when someone is fraudulently wracking up amazon charges, when someone from church is sick, when there are people or children who need help, how Matt and I love each other well or don't, even down to my very attitude. How I spend my down minutes, how we spend our money, how we give and how we take, what movies they see me watching, how they see me respond to the news.

Everything we do and say is teaching someone something....what a beautiful and heavy responsibility. 

The only way to do this well, I'm convinced, is with His mighty help and being as completely and totally saturated in Him as possible, so that what is rolling off to those around us is Jesus, Jesus.  

If what we're sharing with others is simply what God is sharing with us....what a gift we radiate.  If we harbor certain unforgivenesses or bitternesses, if we allow certain habits or less-than-holinesses, if we leave alone the things God has asked us to address...our children are learning them. What do they miss, these ones? 

Oh Lord, fill the gaps by your mighty Grace, and help us as we disciple those around us. 

in His hands

We had a sweet and large group of girls here last night for Lily's 16th birthday party, and this morning over sausage gravy and biscuits, one of them said, "This was a really strange and hard year. The Lord has been good. But...I'm so ready to start a new one."

I amen'd her over a bottomless pile of dishes. It HAS been a really strange and hard year. And the Lord has been so faithful, every single step of the way. And I'm so ready to start a new one! I love He gives us NEW so often. New mornings, new weeks. New months, new years, new seasons. He is so constant, and making all thing new...another one of those paradoxes of the faith that I cherish. 

Matt and Ben hung together last night with 15 girls, and I can.not.believe. our Lily girl is about to be 16. That's something other people's kids do, not mine! It all just goes faster and faster the older they get, and I can't believe she is all the 16 things. And she IS. The Lord's got good plans for this girl, His power being trusted for her weaknesses, and lots of glimpses of His goodness throughout even the hardest of teenage days. 

This is what Oswald Chambers tells me every December 31st, and I'm clinging to the simple truth again:

The Lord will go before you this new year. What a gracious revelation—that God will send His forces out where we have failed to do so! He will keep watch so that we will not be tripped up by the same failures, as would undoubtedly happen if He were not our rear guard. God’s hand reaches even back to the past, settling all the claims against our conscience. 

As we go forth into the coming year, let it not be in haste. Let us go out with the patient power of knowing that the God of Israel will go before us. Our yesterdays hold broken and irreversible things for us. We have lost opportunities that will never return, true. But God can transform this destructive anxiety into a constructive thoughtfulness for the future. 

Let the past rest, but let it rest in the sweet embrace of Jesus. Leave the broken, irreversible past in His hands, and step out into the invisible future with Him.

 

Jesus, not quite the same.

https://mshaiti.blogspot.com/2021/12/baby-jesus.html

I wrote that post a few years ago at Christmas, the Christmas Dad was diagnosed with angiosarcoma. The Christmas before, our first in America, had been incredibly hard and lonely and foreign. But that Christmas, the phone call Christmas, that was HEAVY. The next Christmas, dad was suffering on his death bed, heavier still. I could hardly breathe. There was nothing I could do to stop what was happening. Then last Christmas, Matt stepped away from WBS, and everything left felt crumbled to ash heap. It was all I could do to get through each hour of each day, mostly for 7 kiddos.

Looking at my half-nativity set that first dark Christmas, I wrote and lived and relived again and again...

I don't know where Jesus is, or where the angels went.  I've just got shepherds on the piano, staring upwards.  

If we're on this road again, I guess that He is, too.

We'll have to find Him along the way. 

This week, a dear Wellspring friend popped into our chaos of Matt's parents, their two dogs, seven kiddos, a new puppy and Christmas. She gave me a little box, noting disappointedly that it was not the same, but close.

Inside, after all these years of mama's piano bearing only shepherds and wise men, was Mary. Joseph. Little Jesus.

After all these years, the shepherds are finally looking down at the faithful family. Finally, the wise men extend their gifts to the Holy Little One. She gave me Jesus. 

They're not quite the same, Melinda said again, apologetically. Not quite the same. And she's right. 

It's NOT the same. Much has been changed and been lost since those original pieces were. 

It was mama's Jesus, gone 20 years. It was dad who gave me what was left. It was a different person, the Stacey who loved and traced them each Christmas, the little brown and golden halo'd Jesus, peaceful Mary, vigilant Joseph.

Our piano finally has Jesus come, and He is, as noted, not quite the same.

Or at least not quite the same as I had thought.

It's not that Jesus has changed. I was just in a big long line of those who were wrong about Him.

Following Him has been far more painful than I had planned as a child. Seeking Him far more heavy and dark than that little orange bulb star once shining down on ceramic Jesus had me thinking it would be. 

For the last several years, I haven't been quite sure where Jesus is in all this mess. I thought He was Silent Night and warm and fuzzy and calm and peaceful. I thought He'd protect me from all the broken and bless my socks off always if I loved Him. I thought my faithfulness would merit more things going my way.  I thought our brothers and sisters in Haiti would find food with their hope, would find governmental peace for their faithfulness. I thought maybe He was genie-Jesus or enough-through-my-parents Jesus or maybe American-work-hard-it-works-out Jesus. 

The road has been far more narrow than advertised (except by His Truth).  The cross has been far more heavy than expected (except I remember now it was heavy for Him.) The Jesus I've been following has led me far more often down His road of crosses than of crowns, He has asked me to identify with Him far more in struggle and pain and death and resurrection than in gold and frankincense. 

Frankly, I have not always seen Him.

But this year, not-quite-the-same-as-I-thought-Jesus on my piano reminds me with tears that He. has. always. been. there. He has always come.

He hasn't always been quite who I thought. He hasn't often done what I wanted. Almost everything in my life I very much so counted on--aside from Chris--has been lost with the original manger scene.

But I HAVE found Him along the way. The True One has always been and has not changed, Jesus drawn near more real than He ever was. 

He's been tested and true and found faithful. More and different than I ever thought.

If you're not seeing Him this Christmas, keep your eyes open, friends, keep the space, watch the gap. Keep your eyes up to the dark skies and breathe. If all your expectations have been dashed, be expectant of Jesus instead. 

It's His breath in our very lungs and until you see Him...He's right here. Stop looking for the Jesus you wanted Him to be, the Jesus you thought, maybe.  The Jesus you were hoping maybe you deserved. Your family's Jesus. Your genie Jesus. Your "as long as" Jesus.

He may not be the same as you thought...but He's NOT changed. Always been right here. He's drawn close.

He is MORE than I thought...And He isn't finished. 

He moves

There is an expression used continually in Haiti that always rubbed me a bit. 

After any difficult situation was assessed or shared, everyone would shrug their hands and say, "Bondye Konnen", God knows. 

It was never meant to sound aloof, and the point of the statement is really: Don't forget that God sees this and He is not helpless, as we are.

But every time someone was comforted with, "Well, God knows!" it felt like not enough to me. Yeah, He knows....but does He care? He knows, but does He move? He knows, but does He GET it? Does He understand, painfully, intimately? He knows, but is He in the trenches with me and is He at work?

God's been reminding me lately....He is. 

Our God is not simply an all knowing one. He is not simply on the throne.

He doesn't just know. He is in the ash heap, with us. And He doesn't just want to be with us...He moves toward us. 

God's Christmas response to sin and brokenness and pain was He sent His own self, His Son, to us. For us. With us. 

I don't have to shrug my shoulders at the pain of our Haitian brothers and sisters today with a, "Well, God knows!" 

I don't have to shoulder my own silent, deep prayers with a "God knows, so carry on." 

He knows. And He sees. AND, He comes. He comes and helps. 

My Dad used to be a good image of this. Losing mom young, there were so many times I didn't need my dad to know I was struggling. I didn't need him to send a check or call to check.  I needed him to COME. I needed him to see. I needed him to help. And every chance he could, and sometimes when he really couldn't, he did.

Living in Mississippi without family with 5-7 kiddos. Living in
Haiti with so many daily struggles. Navigating motherhood without a mother. Navigating all your burdens, with all your gaps...with us, is GOD.

If you're wondering if He knows? That thing you've prayed about a dozen years? That pain that's currently taking your breath away? That anxiety that threatens to choke you out? 

He knows.

But if you also find yourself believing the lie that that is where He ends, here's your reminder.

He knows. And He cares. And He sees. And He understands. And He CAME. And He draws near...with mighty hands.

If it doesn't seem like it? Our seems is gloriously wrong. 

Keep on, friends. Call out, beloved. Breathe those prayers, and repeat those truths. 

He doesn't just know. 

Mighty God, all powerful, GOOD and making all things new...He draws near. God with us. 

God with us.

Best part of being a pastor's wife: My life the last year has become inundated with His Word, the good and faithful preaching of His Word, and opportunities for praying in His Word. 

Sundays, good preaching, sweet fellowship. Tuesday night small group, good hospitality, good community, good Bible teaching, good prayer time, transparency. Wednesday night Bible study, GOOD teaching, deep Word. Fellowship. Every week, without fail.  Add in devotions with the kids morning and night, and all the pop-up opportunities for prayer and fellowship and study, I'm just so THANKFUL for the richness of our work being His Word and Worship.

It is never too much. When I look at where I was a year ago and today...the growth that comes from digging.

One of the things that has been preaching to me most lately has been bedtime with the kids.  Beginning of summer, Ben, Nora and I started the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe series, a chapter a night, at bedtime. I wasn't sure how far they'd hang, and last night as we held our breaths through the last chapters of book seven, the Last Battle...OH MAN.

CS Lewis lays out his interpretation of the Biblical explanations of the last days, and we were longing for heaven so bad by the time we finished last night there were tears in all our eyes to still be bedroom bound.  They ran without ever getting weary, they swam without ever growing faint, they couldn't be afraid even when they tried, for there was NO fear.  All that had been blood, sweat, terror and tears was suddenly fresh, cool, free and FINISHED. 

They were met by their beloved ones from all of time, many of whom have become our beloveds! As we read through the names and descriptions of all they met in Aslan's country, Ben and Nora were calling out their friends from months past and clapping their hands over forgotten characters remembered. Further up, further in! the creatures and followers of Aslan cried as they poured into His presence, and everything became so much bigger, more REAL, and better than they ever could have imagined...each chapter better than the last, forever....Lewis finished.

No more tears, no more crying, no more pain, in His presence...painted by CS Lewis, was SO thrilling and SO achingly wonderful you could feel it in your jealous and hopeful soul. 

It was healing.

If we truly knew what our glorious forevers will be, we wouldn't mourn so. We always talk about how we do not mourn as those who have no hope...and that is true. But how much mourning still have I done, that if I trusted Him and heaven better could have been more like rejoicing.  I could trust Him better. 

All these extra opportunities in His Word help me...His Word strengthens our beings, doesn't it. 

Have I been as passionate about sharing and living and obeying His Word as I should be, if I truly believe it and truly trust Him? Have I held as loosely all that He's placed in my hands as I should if I trust it's His? Am I as abandoned as I would be if I truly walked in the promise that this life is but a drop in the bucket and eternity...heaven or hell, will be for all of forever? Is He my standard for faithfulness, for love, for serving, for pleasing, or are those around me? 

God with us. 

Until it shapes everything, I'm still doing the growth that comes from digging!

expectant

My favorite repeat Christmas devotional, "Emmanuel" by Ruth Chou Simons, hit the week focused  on expectations vs. expectancy, and this year and I can sense I've grown in my bones.  I am so much more interested in actually worshipping the long-awaited King this season over making a million bleary memories. I am so much more interested in being expectant of Him : truly the only one and thing that never disappoints, then stepping in with all my expectations of a vibrant and meaningful overwhelming season. I want the overwhelming thing to be Christ Came Down. Not 87 activities.  

Finding myself naturally so has surprised me. In the past it has taken much effort to focus the way I want to and to reign in my expectations. But the last two dark and weary Christmases, both of which I felt barely surviving and often focusing on simply breathing through, has me grateful for the warmth and peace of this one, and in awe of Who He Is, encapsulated with Christmas. 

Our sweetest Christmas activity so far was helping Lady Jane decorate. Sleeping on the couch one night with Ben by the tree. Watching "While You Were Sleeping" with Lily and Sofie for the first time.  Going to lunch with Beth. Wiping mustaches from dozens of cups of hot chocolate.  Wrapping presents with Emma (that was sweet, and utterly inefficient). Driving the party bus blaring Christmas Carols to church on Wednesday nights, picking up youth all along the way.  Playing Christmas hymns on the church's gorgeous baby grand piano when no one is there. Making all the soups and chilis and stews. Listening to Christmas hymns. Lighting the Advent candles. 

I am thankful that the One we are waiting for so badly is already here. 

He sees you--right in the midst of all your cares and concerns. He sees how you're torn, like Martha, between service and surrender, worry and worship.

He is inviting you to lay down the fretting and choose the good portion--to choose worship. It's the very invitation He came to earth to give. Do not mistake the busyness of DOING in this season for the fruitfulness of worship. Don't let the worry over HOW to celebrate the birth of Christ at Christmas eclipse the wonder of actually. worshipping. Jesus… the long-awaited Messiah.

not dark to Him

We had a wonderful and full Thanksgiving break...24 hours on the road, caving, horses, eating at the restaurant Matt worked at when we were dating and newly married, and sweet time with family in Ohio, especially reliving some of the traditions we always had with Dad. I mourn him best in his favorite places with his favorite people, and it was sweet to walk the caves and bridges we walked with him since I was a little girl. Those are my good tears, dad just up ahead. Anytime we are all together, you just kind of wait for him to walk in the room. At Old Man's Cave, I can almost still see mom and dad both up ahead, so unchanging are those stones. Having the cousins together is always so sweet...they adore one another. So thankful.

Sitting in Sunday school today the Lord brought this old memory to mind, and I found the story on our blog to refresh the details for myself.  As we spoke about the darkest nights in Sunday school, I remembered that even the darkness is not dark to Him...and the day that reminded me. 

 https://mshaiti.blogspot.com/2014/04/three-power.html

I will never know, this side of heaven, what grace has sustained me due to one of your prayers, due to one of you prayer warriors. Thank you. 

counting it all joy

 Oh, this has been the busiest week! 

With Thanksgiving break next week, this week has been FULL with our new church open house, a powerful testimony church lunch, admin and finance meetings for Matt, small group, Bible study, a huge Consecration Service Thursday night, trying to get ready for our first ever Sunday morning service as Wellspring Church, and to head to Ohio straight after with 5-7 kiddos! 

Whew!

The week began with precious time with Uncle Martin and Aunt Sharon. It was SUCH a gift to have them for each one of us. They are so intentional about getting good time with each of us, whether that means Martin wrestling with Ben (which quickly added Nora and Emma), taking Sofie on an eighth grade field trip to the Civil Rights Museum in Jackson, going to dinner with Matt and I and doing lots of projects around the house, taking Lily to her happy place (yes, it's shopping), fixing up bikes with Nora, reading "Grinch" to Emma a thousand times over, staying up 'till midnight...all the sweet family things. They worshipped with us our last Sunday at Foundry. They worshipped with us our last Sunday at our borrowed location at Wellspring. They came to the new church. They joined us, always, for Family Dinner on Monday night. 

I thanked them when they left for letting me pretend like they are our parents, like they are our grandparents, and all in, they do.  I always struggle when they go, and as I am with Foundry, I am trying to keep remembering these are God's good gifts, simply to be thankful for. Martin and Sharon are good gifts, to be sure, and have been since August 14th, 2007, the day we moved to Haiti!

The rest of this week has been as sweet as it has been busy....so much mercy and thankfulness in celebrating finally moving the church into our new home! 

This is a special church...not because of the building, because until now we haven't had one! There are just some very truly loving, kind, thoughtful and open-hearted people. It has been a GIFT being a part of the Wellspring family, and they love us well!  I have learned so much and have so much to learn.

Counting it all gifts, which is a beautiful way to head into Thanksgiving...