faithful fumes

I was texting with a new Wellspring friend today as we compared notes on the trials of wrapping up this school year. So much to do. Stressed and weary children. Not enough hours in the day. Exhaustion. Uncertainty about future details. Trying to be present. Counting down the days.

Praying for you as you finish strong! I wrote...but hesitated before I hit send.

I've always been about finishing strong. All that really matters is that you finish strong! I have told this to myself and to my children many times, prayed many times, "Lord, help us to finish strong!"

But this time as I sought to encourage my friend, I hesitated. 

What if she doesn't? the Lord whispered. Does that whole idea echo of me, or of the Stacey way?

Now I put my phone down altogether. 

Is "finish strong" even what I should be going for?

"I'm wrapping up on fumes," she had concluded.

I quickly deleted my message and tried again.

Fumes are ok. I didn't use to think so. But the Lord has definitely been teaching me a lot these last two years about how my fumes (instead of my muscles) are often where He is strong and glorified. Maybe our faithful fumes are what He wants to work through and be strong in, for His glory. 

I realized as I sent my revised response that it was TRUE.

Maybe finishing strong is all about me relying on my own strength and stubbornness. Maybe finishing strong is all about saving face, all about proving I'm no quitter.

Maybe the Lord doesn't care much about those things. Maybe, in fact, they are inhibiting Him from shining His GLORY through my life and His GLORY unto others.

Maybe the fragrance far more pleasing to the Lord would be faithful fumes...whisps of myself and my efforts, transparent shadows of my abilities and commitment, and instead weary and clingy and obvious dependence upon Him, faithful whispers of God carrying the times and the burdens and all the things. 

In a week where I have battled worry over a few major things out of my control almost every moment, I am going for just faithful fumes. May He be strong in my weakness, as He promises to be, and may He be glorified in the fragrance of my heart instead of the sweat of my efforts. 

You don't have to finish this season strong, dear ones.  Let's just finish at His feet...where He is only just beginning. 

weak and strong

"Matt Chandler said that comfort is the God of our generation.

Which is why people are so frustrated with verses like Romans 8:28. Because it says that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him who have been called according to his purpose. And if you're defining it that good means comfortable, then think of your thing that is breaking you right now.

Because my thing? Grief? The loss of a spouse? That has not made my life more comfortable.

So how can I know that in my thing, God works for good? Because I DO love Him.

Thankfully Paul keeps writing, because in verse 29 he writes, "For those God foreknew he also predestined to be (here's His definition) conformed to the image of His son."

God's definition of good is different than ours. 

We define good as comfortable, easy, successful, rich.

And yet Paul defines it and says, "it'll make you more like Jesus, it'll conform you to the image of the Son." And if Jesus lives within you, He's predestined you to become more like Him. And the way He's gonna get you there is NOT the fruit of your effort. The way we're gonna become like Jesus is actually through the very things we're going through.

The things we may have looked at and said, "how could He use this for good?"

How do you think He wants to use your thing to form you more into the likeness of Jesus?

Even if that thing makes you feel weak, He wants to use that thing to make you more like Him.

Not just for your good. But man, for the good of the world.

Don't try to fix it, cover it, hide it, fix it, dodge it, scroll past it. That's precisely what He wants to use for good."

When I heard Megan Fate Marshman share this tonight on IG it struck me. I know His definition is not ours. I know His goodness is not our idea of goodness. I know He uses all this heartache. But something about the way she went after it just struck me, especially when she got to weak. 

My things this past two years have made me feel SO weak. I was crying to Hannah just a few nights ago that I feel like a shadow of who I once was...with dad always on back-up and my feet firm on Haitian soil and plans for my four kiddos. I told her I am sick to death of feeling weak and fragile, sick to death of circling loss and grief. 

Weak is the worst feeling in the whole world.

It is not that Megan called His good different than our good. It's not that she reminds me that His plans are for our holiness over happiness, or our growth over our comfort. 

It's that she took it to the next step I haven't released: that even the things that make me feel weak, He wants to use to make me more into the likeness of JESUS. He is not disgusted or frustrated by or tired of my weakness. He is using it. 

It's the reminder that it IS IN my weakness, my grief, my pain, that HE IS STRONG in me.  It's that in my weakness that I have grown SO weary of, He has been shaping me to look and think and respond more like Him.

The weaker I have felt like I'm getting by one challenge after another, the stronger in me He is actually becoming.

I have grown to despise the weakness that He has been using to conform me to the image of His Son...the very "good" I long for, MOST. 

Today years old when I realized it. 

Thankful for how He shows us small and powerful things, how and when we are ready to hear them. 

If you're needing a fresh perspective...eyes on Jesus.

whole heart

Fostering, man. It is by far the hardest thing we've ever done.

And that's got nothing to do with the kiddos...even seven...and everything to do with trusting them all, truly, entirely, to Him. With any of my kiddos, I cannot control every situation. But when all my mama bear everything is coming out, and yet I can do NOTHING, it leaves me totally unglued, or totally forced to TRUST Him. 

Graced to trust Him. 

It has been one of those weeks, and I'm trying to step into these days fighting the battles I can, and trusting Him, FULLY, with their hearts and minds and lives and all the many places I cannot. 

Being a mama is beautiful hard. But being one with no voice or rights is brutal.

If you know a foster mama this weekend, friend, write her a short note or give her a hug and a pint of Ben and Jerry's or tell her God's got this.

How God has used this journey the past 2.5 years to stretch me in Him! Am I really protecting any of my children? Or has it always been Him?  Am I the one really providing? Or is it Him?  Do I have anything of value to invest in any of them? Or is it just HIM?

It's just Him. I put my whole heart into everything I do for these 8 precious humans. But my whole heart is just full of Him, AND in His hands. 

I'm so thankful in the end, it's NOT all boiling down to or all counting on me. 

Will you be praying for our bonus loves extra these days?

This week was award ceremonies, getting ready for final exams, the last of the baseball tournaments, dear Henry's funeral, Bible study, bake sales, starting to wrap up some homeschool subjects and a really fantastic sermon Sunday at church (sermon starts around 38 minutes, if you're looking to be re-inspired by Our First Love!). 

Grateful for you.

the Lord takes care

What a week. 

Our church Matt pastors split off from the United Methodist Church a few months before he began in February, and with such heaviness coming out of conference this week, we are both thankful and burdened! Our faithful family both won the vote and lost the building without enough majority, and it was a gift this afternoon to walk and pray over the new building God seems to have laid at our feet with these brothers and sisters, many of whom spent their whole lives in the UMC and left/lost so much. 

The Lord takes care of things we lose following Him. 

This morning was also graduation at Wesley Biblical Seminary, and it continues to be such an exciting ministry to support and come alongside. Watching them send out many...some from Matt's own hometown in Jersey, some from Emmaus University in Haiti...is so exciting.  Trusted leaders for faithful churches is the motto Matt helped WBS develop, and while I know it was disappointing to many when Matt stepped down from leadership there, heading straight from graduation to our church prayer walk reminded me this: Matt is a trusted leader for a faithful church. I am by his side. The work continues. His work, His kingdom, is all the same. 

The Lord takes care of and paves way for the transitions of life, following Him.

Several young people and families now have started coming to our new church, each noting that they were strangely drawn, and there is nothing strange about it. Three of them came to dinner last night, and over turkey and mashed potatoes and rolls and macaroons, they shared with us their hearts, their visions...and what I hoped would be sufficient was instead rich and deep. His grace is sufficient, and most often, more than we ever hoped for.

The Lord sends people alongside when we are following Him. 

Unless you have never disappointed nor let down a single soul, be kind. I know you know. I know you are. It is still a good reminder. There is a whole lot going on in people's lives we all know nothing about, and if we DID, we'd be kind. Be kind. Give grace. Grace upon Grace. The LORD knows fully, and holding and reconciling our disappointments in one another is HIS work, not ours to make people pay for, and He wants our fruit to be LOVE every time.

The Lord richly cares for life's disappointments, redeemed in following Him. 

Add in an extra girlie home from a week-long field trip she couldn't attend, baseball games, homeschool, staff meetings, Bible studies, horseback riding, Henry's funeral to prepare for and all the many little things, the Lord reminded me again this week how utterly VITAL my time with Him is. It is my life breath. It is the fortification of my trust. It is the dwelling in His steadfast love. It is the reminder of His control and strength and power. It is credited for ALL my resilience, my stability, my hope. 

The Lord is close to those who draw close to Him, continually following Him.

Hang in there, beloved. Be faithful and kind and search for His grace. The world desperately needs faithful and kind and His grace, and so do we each.  

Jesus, strong and kind

Maybe the last few weeks of the school year are always like this, but I can barely catch my breath. 

I could tell you the fifty reasons, but I'm too tired. 

This week Ben, Nora and Sofie had their final program for The Friday Program, and while it was all precious, Ben's class song had me in tears. I was probably crying harder than I should have been. Maybe God just had that powerful and simple and GOOD news, through children, for me.

Friday and twice Saturday, Lily was JoJo in Newsies, a joy that has consumed SO many hours the past months. She loved every minute of it and she had so many friends and family show up for her...blessing me abundantly.

A few minutes after her Friday night performance, we heard that Mr. Henry, our first America neighbor and cherished member of weekly Family Dinner Club, passed into glory. He has drastically gone downhill these last three months, but he is PRECIOUS family to us, and a steady speaker of edification to me.

Mr. Henry adored most watching and interacting with the children...from when there were four to delighting in 7, from precious day one with Emma and especially buddy to Ben. 

Ben has very few men in his life, and Mr. Henry was all things baseball and BB guns and whatever Ben was interested in.

Mr. Henry was constantly watching, and repeatedly said, or wrote in beautifully chosen cards, things like "I am always so impressed with how patient you are with your children," or, "your family works so hard at living kindness," or "I so enjoy your family and getting to see how a Christian family operates." 

I mean. What richness. 

What power we have in our words. What strength and true encouragement his thoughtful observations ALWAYS meant to me, always will.

He adored home-cooked food and a crazy family to enjoy it with, and graciously overlooked noise, dust, burnt edges, rude questions, and scootching over for one more.  

He was confused at the end, and ready. But.

Like my dad and grandpa, he saw me. Like Dad and Grandpa, he loved my children.

He may have been ready, but I wasn't ever gonna be. 

I am thankful for him. 

And cried harder than I should have. 

You are getting the theme of the week.

Abandonment to the Lord means to refuse yourself the luxury of asking any questions, O Chambers says. And in a season of lots of questions, I'm trying to veer towards abandoned, away from stuck.

returns

Taking on this shift-roll as pastor's wife has brought me back many times to the age-old wisdom of practicing unoffendability. 

It's not just in full-time ministry. 

In LIFE, we will never thrive nor glorify Him relying on, working out of and following our emotions. Our feelings are STRONG, but often wrong...they are God-given, but also not to over-ride His authority in our lives. They are easily swayed, they often distract us from His truth, and they often cause us to react out of fear, sadness, anger, rejection, shame, hurt and pride. That's a far list from the love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness and self-control He instructs us to react out of!

The kingdom of God....there is too much at stake to be thrown about by every wave of our emotions! There is too much at stake to be defending ourselves, standing for ourselves, fighting for ourselves. The cause of the true Gospel is too precious for "ourselves" to be any kind of focus! 

This newest ministry calling has been giving me more opportunities than ever to look to Him for my truths, for my stabilities. I want to speak out of HIM. I want to react out of Him alone. 

What a gift we have in the life of Jesus, fully human, who experienced ALL the emotions we do, but kept His mind so set on His Father that His words and actions were life and love, glorifying the Father again and again. 

As I'm experiencing opportunities for feelings to take the lead, He is reminding me of who I am in Him (which helps with being unoffendable more than anything I know) and that my job is to return to God what is His.

His people? Those are His. I can return to God what is His instead of spending my days trying to please them or be praised by them or be wrecked by criticism or worry over them.  

His work? That's His! I can return each task to Him for His glory instead of aiming at success or a certain outcome or praise.  

His children? I can return these seven to Him, daily, instead of being overcome by worry over them or controlled by their constantly wavering emotions. I can return them to Him, again and again, when I worry about keeping them, caring for them, protecting them.  

My marriage?  Return to God what is His.  Our money? Return to God what is His. My time, my energy, my efforts? Return to God what is His! Dear ones who are far from Him? Expectations? Friendships? Our Haiti home, so dear and heart-wrenching? 

Being unoffendable, living in freedom from being controlled by our emotions, rooting myself in stability and perseverance for His glory?  NONE of that depends on others, on our circumstances, nor even upon ourselves. It all depends on Him.

I am a beggar and always was! I'm laying at His feet any fruit of my faithfulness, praying that these small offerings may resound His praise. 

So swaddle me in your grace, O Spirit. I return to you your gifts. 

Cradle me in your mercies, O Christ. I return to you your glory.

Hide me in your love, O Father. I return to you, your child.

McKelvey

Some of you have been praying for us for 40 years...for 20....for 10....for 2. I hold that richness daily! I've got room to grow...keep on growing with me!

not one of two choices

The Lord gave me a good thing this morning, and I've gotta give it back.

I was hurt a good while ago, deeply, and I'm sorry to say that it has shrunk me. Threw me off. Made me small.  Dimmed my light.

Been there?

As I've been smarting from this smallness, from the wrongness, struggling to get past it, striving to get back my footing, it has seemed apparent once I had forgiven that I have one of two choices in dealing with it.

I could allow those who wronged me to have their painful territory and cut myself off from it, protecting myself...or I could somehow coexist with the hurt and keep battling.  Both have those have felt sickening and painful and exhausting.

Ever been there?  Quit a friend or a job or a church because it just hurt too much to stay? Gave up lots of yourself because it felt like you didn't have a choice? Been between a rock and a hard place and finally settled on one...but it's still bitter and you're harder than you were?

I've gone back and forth between my choices a dozen times, helpless, and honestly, feeling hopeless. 

I mean, Yes, yes the Lord.

But THEY!

Have you been THERE?

I got the seven loaded up to church this morning, still clouded and feeling small over my options. 

Got to church and got worshipping in my row of teenage girls, and He gave me the incredibly freeing 3rd alternative I never thought of.

As we sang through Gratitude, this took my breath away.

I've got one response, 
I've got just one move
With my arms stretched wide,
I will worship you.

I know it's not much, but I've nothing else fit for a King

Except for a heart singing Hallelujah.

I don't have to choose between stay and bleed or walk away and lose. 

I'm not of the world, nor subject to people's powers, not tied to the two human responses I could come up with.

I have one response He's made available to me, and it also happens to be the only genuinely freeing one.

I've got one move here, and it's not trying to protect myself or reclaim territory or making sure not to empower wrong or about combating being hurt. I don't have to figure it out, nor control the uncontrollable, dish out justice nor find a way to come out on top...

I don't have the energy or even the wisdom or ability to navigate all that.

I've only got one response fitting of Him, and it's stretching open my hands, giving it to Him, eyes overwhelmed by Jesus, and worship. 

My option is to praise Him, it's all I've got, and when praising Him, eyes on Jesus, it's awfully hard to focus on wrongs.  It's impossible to focus on our injuries when we're focusing on Him.  It's not even possible we be consumed by others when truly consumed by Him. 

My choice can be not A and not B, but Him. Almighty God can be my choice. God on the throne can be my choice. Christ crucified and knowing and understanding WELL and removing the sting of death and pain can be my PLAN : ALL.  Praising Him, who was not in any way shrunk by any harm done. Not small. Eyes on Jesus, I am perfectly small and full and grateful and loved. 

A heart singing Hallelujah in every circumstance is FULL. A heart lifting praise no matter what is free.

What can man do to me, eyes on Jesus?  Eyes on Jesus, the long and weary debate of playing the cards man deals us fades away.

Glory.

I pray you've been THERE. and if not, that you're with me on the way.

weaving

When we came to Mississippi, it was because John Neihof, the president of WBS, had suddenly passed away and WBS needed a new president.  Every Monday, Tuesday and Thursday, his widow Beth comes to the messy house for three hours and helps Nora, Ben, Emma, Sofie and I through homeschool, she joins us every weekly Family Dinner, rand all the kids love her as Gaga. 

Tomorrow Matt is in Michigan, preaching at her son Nathan's church for their annual missions conference.  The kids and I will be at our beloved church, where Elijah Friedeman is the pastor. Matt Friedeman, his dad, took over for Matt when he stepped away from being the president at WBS. Tomorrow afternoon, the kids and I will then head to our new church that Matt now pastors, Wellspring, where Hannah Friedeman, Matt F's daughter and Elijah's sister (and a dear friend),  just started as our interim worship leader. 

I don't know how that all works out except the Lord, but it is good for me to take note. It is good for me to remember that He's been working in places and ways I'm not seeing yet. 

Empty places, gaps we have no way of filling, God is miraculously sending people into we never would have thought of and never could have recruited. Maybe He's using us that way, sometimes, too. 

The precious family at Wellspring we are hemming into is being stretched and faithful and so are we. Many times the last four years it has seemed like He either wasn't seeing, or wasn't working...and He was. 

So I'm holding that for my Haitian brothers and sisters.

I'm holding it for my present gaps and helpless places.

And I'm holding that for you.

remembering who we're following

We've had lots of crazy storms lately...power outages, massive hail stones, and I'm still trying to get better.  Several friends have had pneumonia and ended up in the hospital, so I'm wondering by now if that's what I've been wrestling too. 

Either way, Matt took the kiddos to the indoor pool for a few hours yesterday so I could work on a Bible study I was going to teach, and while laundry and meal plans waited for once, it was so truly life-giving to really spend good time on a short passage of His Good Word.  

The Holy Spirit really opened my eyes to an outpouring of themes and focuses I'd never seen, and while I have since learned that I will not be teaching this Bible study....I keep being reminded by Him that no time in His Word is wasted. No digging is in vain. 

Maybe He was just unpacking the richness for me. 

A lot has been hard lately. Pastoring is not for the faint of heart, and neither is pastor's wifing. 

Matt always says in his studies and sermons that we must remember who we are following. 

We want riches...but we are following a homeless man. We want glory...but we are following a man beaten and crucified. We want appreciated and valued for our hard work...but we are following a man utterly rejected. We get following Jesus and then want to follow Him down paths He simply never walked. 

He was betrayed, rejected, abandoned, misunderstood, lied about, hated, abused, murdered. 

So when we suffer some betrayal or some unkindness or some lies, and get indignant that this should not be the reward of following Jesus, after all we've done...wake up. 

This is exactly following Jesus. Nay, this is what it is to put our feet in his footsteps.

And I DO want to follow Him that closely. 

The disciples missed it and misunderstood Him many, many times.  How often did they point to B, and Jesus gently corrected, yes, but it is better to look to A.

His very last moment with them was no different, Acts 1, the passage I was to help unpack. They thought maybe His fulfilling of the new covenant meant His kingdom come, on earth, now....and He reminded them that God's timing wasn't theirs to know or worry. But He did promise they would receive what they needed.

And instead of forgetting this time, He ascended and they obeyed. And instead of fighting this time, bickering like my children at Kroger, Acts 1 tells us that they gathered in full accord. And instead of panicking and scurrying, the Word tells us they were totally devoted to prayer. Just as Judas hadn't spoiled God's plan by betraying their Lord to death, they trusted now that the HS was coming, because Jesus had said so, and no one can mess up what He's doing.

Their extreme differences hadn't disappeared. Their unique pasts hadn't been erased. But they were so intently trusting in Jesus Resurrected that their eyes on Jesus kept their eyes off each other. Eyes on Jesus, they were in notable fellowship. In notable prayer.

Stacey.

Are my eyes on Jesus? The real one. Who He really is?

Am I drawing, in these circumstances, on the super-natural power of the Holy Spirit, that which is truly needed?  Are my emotions being filtered through His truth? Am I waiting on Him, confusing the world by my non-worldly responses to rejection, betrayal, gossip, unkindness...minor offenses compared to what our Lord faced? 

The mind set on the Spirit is life and peace. 

May our obedience and our fellowship and our prayers be notable. Grateful for you, my little corner.

let's ask for it

I've lost some of my footing along the way, lately, and if you really looked me in the eyes and asked lately, "How you doin'?" I woulda said, "Not good." 

My own strength has been weary and faltering, and instead of sitting and waiting on the Lord, I've been trying to hobble on, or looking to other places...Matt, wishes, and if onlys....which of course have only left me unsatisfied, lonely and dry, because none of those fill and satisfy.  The mind set on friends or family or husbands or children or goals or hobbies or dreams or desires is death, the Bible dramatically and truly speaks, and the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace. 

After six kids were off to Friday school today, five in uniform, one dressed from the Roaring 20's, all with lunches and water bottles and homework and rubbed off kisses, I started in on mountains of laundry and dishes and crumbs and heaviness.

But Emma, she saw her stroller in the garage through all the exiting siblings and just absolutely insisted. Got in and would not get out. Wok. WOK!

I'm glad she enjoys them as much as I do, but I don't waste my one child-free morning a week on walking! (Yes, moms of 7 call having just 1 kiddo "child-free" time :). I have SO much work to do and so many emails to catch up on!

Wok! You try telling Emma no. She is ridiculously adorable. 

So we go, and I pop on the daily devotionals I started doing a few days ago, noting my skinned knees and slipping feet, looking for the resilience found only in Him. I know how to send down my roots deeply into Him. Why haven't I been?

The words were so rich as the trees towered overhead, the birds called, the sun warmed, so rich I wanted to share them with you. I'm just going to leave them here, and work myself on getting back to giving everyone and everything to Him, living in the river of living waters flowing from His heart.

Just like oxygen, the presence of God and his kingdom surround you all the time. Take a few deep breaths and notice--you don't see it, but it's keeping you alive. You don't see oxygen, but it sustains you.  Take a moment and become aware of the presence of God with you. 

Holy Spirit, make me aware of your presence now. Help me become aware and tune into your presence all around me and within me. 

I know you are gentle: help me to feel your presence with me and within me. 

Our lesson is that we are amphibians, created to live comfortably between the natural world and the spiritual, between earth and heaven. So much of the resilience we seek comes to us from the kingdom of God. Learning to align with it, getting in position to receive it. 

John 7: 37-38

On the last day, Jesus stood and shouted to the crowds, "Anyone who is thirsty may come to me! Anyone who believes in me may come and drink! For the Scriptures declare, 'Rivers of living water will flow from His heart." 

The life of God is descibed in Scripture as a river -- a powerful, gorgeous, unceasing, ever renewing, ever flowing river. That river is meant to flow within you, strengthening you, healing you, imparting resilience into your humanity.

Notice the interplay of heaven and earth, the life of the Spirit operating within our humanity. We are strengthened from heaven as God's Spirit comes into our humanity, deep in our inner being. Rivers of living water flowing from Your heart. How beautiful! If we could open our hearts to this, it would heal our humanity and fill us with resilience. 

Let's ask for it.

John Eldridge's 30 Days to Resilient, Pause App.